You’re interviewing with a family that has two dads, and you’re trying to figure out what questions you can ask without seeming ignorant or offensive. You want to know practical things about how their household works but you’re worried about making assumptions or saying something that reveals bias you didn’t realize you had. Or maybe you’ve been working with a two-dad family for a while and you’re navigating situations you didn’t anticipate – questions from kids at the playground about why your employer’s child has two dads, complicated family dynamics with grandparents, or just uncertainty about whether you’re handling things sensitively.
Working with same-sex couples, whether it’s two dads or two moms, raises questions for nannies who haven’t had that experience before. Some of those questions are about actual differences in how households operate. Others are about navigating a world that isn’t always accepting and protecting kids from bias they shouldn’t have to deal with. And some are just about your own uncertainty regarding how to be respectful and appropriate when you’re working in family structures that differ from what you grew up with or what you’re most familiar with.
After twenty years placing nannies with all types of families across San Francisco and nationwide, we’ve watched nannies thrive in positions with same-sex couples and we’ve watched others struggle. The ones who succeed aren’t necessarily the most politically progressive or the most knowledgeable about LGBTQ+ issues. They’re the ones who approach these families with genuine respect, who don’t make assumptions about roles or dynamics, who protect kids from outside judgment, and who recognize that underneath different family structures, the actual work of caring for children is fundamentally the same.
What’s Actually Different
In practice, most of what you do as a nanny for a family with two dads is identical to what you’d do for any family. You’re managing kids’ schedules, preparing meals, facilitating development, handling behavioral issues, and supporting family routines. The core work doesn’t change based on parents’ gender or sexual orientation.
The differences that do exist are mostly about navigating external reactions rather than internal household dynamics. You’ll field questions and comments from other people – at playgrounds, in classes, from service providers – about your employer family’s structure. Some of those questions come from genuine curiosity, some from judgment, and you need to figure out how to respond in ways that protect the family’s privacy while not hiding their existence like it’s shameful.
When kids at the playground ask why your child has two dads, you might say something like “Families come in all different forms. Some kids have a mom and dad, some have two moms or two dads, some live with grandparents. What matters is that families love and take care of each other.” You’re normalizing different family structures without making it a huge teaching moment or oversharing about your employer family specifically.
Documentation and forms often assume heterosexual two-parent households. School registration, medical forms, emergency contacts – they frequently have spaces for “mother” and “father” rather than “parent 1” and “parent 2.” You might help families navigate those forms or advocate with institutions to update their paperwork to be more inclusive.
There’s also the reality that same-sex couples with children often face additional scrutiny and judgment that opposite-sex couples don’t encounter. People feel entitled to ask invasive questions about how they became parents, whether the kids are “theirs,” what happened to the mother. Your role includes protecting the family from that invasiveness when appropriate and supporting parents in how they want those questions handled.
Don’t Make Assumptions About Roles
The biggest mistake nannies make with two-dad families is assuming there must be one “mom-role” dad and one “dad-role” dad and trying to figure out which is which. That’s projecting heterosexual relationship dynamics onto a family structure where they don’t apply.
Some two-dad families have parents who’ve naturally fallen into different roles – maybe one handles more emotional connection while the other manages more logistics. But that division isn’t about gender. It’s about personality, strengths, work schedules, and how they’ve chosen to share parenting responsibilities. Don’t assume the more nurturing dad is filling a “mom role” or that division of labor breaks down along traditional gender lines.
Both dads are dads. Both are parents with full parenting authority and connection to kids. You take direction from both, you communicate with both, and you don’t treat one as the “real” parent while the other is auxiliary. Even if one dad is the biological father and the other isn’t, they’re both parents and you interact with them as such.
Watch your language. Don’t ask which one is “the mom” or make comments about one of them being “motherly.” Don’t assume that certain parenting tasks naturally fall to one dad based on him seeming more traditionally masculine or feminine. Let them tell you how they divide responsibilities rather than imposing your assumptions about how families should work.
The same applies to practical household matters. Don’t assume anything about cooking, cleaning, emotional labor, or any other task distribution based on gender expectations. Ask how they handle things rather than making assumptions, just like you would with any family.
Navigating Extended Family Dynamics
One challenge specific to LGBTQ+ families is that extended family acceptance varies widely. Some two-dad families have fully supportive grandparents, aunts, uncles, and extended relatives who embrace both dads and the kids equally. Others have complicated family situations where some relatives are accepting and others aren’t, or where acceptance is conditional or superficial.
You might encounter grandparents who refuse to acknowledge one of the dads as a real parent, who refer to the non-biological dad as “just” his partner, or who treat the kids differently than other grandchildren. This creates impossible situations where you’re trying to facilitate family relationships while protecting kids from rejection or differential treatment that’s damaging.
Follow the parents’ lead on how to handle these dynamics. Some families choose to maintain relationships with non-accepting relatives and they’ll guide you on how to manage those interactions. Others have boundaries that limit contact with relatives who can’t fully accept their family structure. Your job isn’t fixing family dysfunction or judging relatives’ behavior. It’s supporting however the parents have chosen to navigate their own family relationships.
There’s also complexity around biological connections. In families where one dad is biological father and the other isn’t, extended family dynamics can get weird around which grandparents claim the kids, whose family the kids “belong” to, and whether both dads’ families embrace the children equally. This isn’t your problem to solve but you might witness the impact and need to support kids who are processing confusing messages about who counts as real family.
Supporting Kids’ Understanding of Their Family
Kids being raised by two dads will encounter questions, comments, and sometimes unkindness from other children and adults about their family structure. Part of your role is helping them develop healthy understanding of their family and resilience to navigate a world that doesn’t always understand or accept them.
Follow the parents’ guidance on how they want family structure explained to their kids. Some families are very matter-of-fact: “You have two dads who love you very much. Some kids have a mom and dad, some have two moms, some have two dads. All kinds of families exist and they’re all real families.” Others have more detailed conversations about biology, adoption, surrogacy, or however their specific family was created.
Don’t overshare information kids aren’t ready for or that parents haven’t chosen to discuss. If a five-year-old asks where babies come from in the context of wondering how they were born when they have two dads, redirect to parents: “That’s a great question for your dads. They can explain how your family was created.”
Help kids develop language to respond to questions from peers. “Why don’t you have a mom?” might be answered with “I have two dads and they take good care of me” or “Families come in all different types.” You’re giving kids tools to respond confidently without feeling like their family is weird or wrong.
Watch for signs kids are internalizing negative messages about their family. If they start expressing shame about having two dads or they seem anxious about family discussions at school, those are things parents need to know about so they can provide additional support.
When You Encounter Discrimination
Working for LGBTQ+ families means you’ll sometimes encounter discrimination directed at them. Maybe a service provider is rude or dismissive, or another parent at the playground makes a nasty comment, or someone at school questions whether both dads are legitimate parents. How you respond in those moments matters.
Your primary job is protecting the children from witnessing discrimination whenever possible. If another adult makes an inappropriate comment when kids are present, redirect kids away from the situation if you can. You don’t need to engage in arguments or educate every ignorant person, but you do need to shield kids from nastiness they shouldn’t have to absorb.
Document incidents that seem serious, especially if they involve institutions like schools or medical providers. Parents need to know if their kids are experiencing discrimination so they can address it appropriately. But don’t catastrophize every awkward interaction. Someone being slightly confused about family structure isn’t the same as someone being actively discriminatory, and distinguishing between ignorance and malice helps you respond proportionally.
Sometimes you’ll be the one who needs to advocate in the moment. If school staff are refusing to recognize both dads as parents or if a medical office won’t release information to the non-biological dad, you might need to speak up about the family’s legal rights and advocate for them to be treated appropriately.
You’re also allowed to draw your own boundaries about what you’ll tolerate. If someone makes homophobic comments to you about your employer family, you can shut that down. “I don’t appreciate those comments. This family is wonderful and I’m proud to work with them.” You’re not obligated to educate everyone or engage with every bigot, but you can make clear you won’t participate in disrespecting the family you work for.
Your Own Comfort Level Matters
Being honest with yourself about your own comfort level and beliefs is important before accepting positions with same-sex couples. If you have religious or personal beliefs that same-sex relationships are wrong, don’t accept positions with LGBTQ+ families thinking you can set those beliefs aside at work. Your discomfort will show, kids will sense it, and you’ll create harm even if you’re trying to be polite about it.
It’s better to acknowledge “this isn’t the right fit for me” than to accept a position where you’ll be internally judging the family. Same-sex couples and their children deserve nannies who genuinely respect their family structure, not people who are tolerating it while believing it’s immoral.
If you’re supportive in general but uncertain about specific aspects, that’s different from fundamental disapproval. Maybe you’ve never worked with a two-dad family before and you’re worried about saying something accidentally offensive. That uncertainty is normal and doesn’t make you unsuitable for the position. Genuine respect plus willingness to learn is what matters, not already knowing everything.
Some nannies discover during employment that they have more discomfort than they realized. Maybe your religious community is judgmental and you’re struggling with that pressure. Maybe your own family is expressing disapproval about your job choice. Maybe exposure to the family’s life brings up unexpected feelings. If you find you genuinely can’t work for this family with full respect and support, the ethical choice is leaving rather than staying while being internally conflicted.
What Two-Dad Families Actually Want From Nannies
The families we’ve worked with over twenty years have been remarkably consistent about what they want from nannies. They want the same things every family wants: excellent childcare, reliability, good judgment, communication, and genuine care for their kids. They want to be treated like normal families rather than constantly having to explain or justify their existence.
They want nannies who don’t make their family structure a constant topic of conversation or treat it like it’s fascinating or unusual. It’s just their family. They’re living normal life with normal parenting challenges and normal kid issues. The fact that both parents are men is relevant in some contexts but it’s not the defining characteristic of their family or their parenting.
They want nannies who will protect their kids from unnecessary exposure to judgment and discrimination while still preparing kids to navigate a world that includes people with different attitudes. That’s a delicate balance – you’re not hiding the family’s existence, but you’re also not making kids constantly defend or explain their family structure to random strangers.
They want nannies who communicate directly when questions or situations come up rather than making assumptions or avoiding conversations. If you’re uncertain about how to handle something related to family structure, asking the parents directly is much better than guessing or avoiding the situation entirely.
They want nannies who bring the same professionalism, boundaries, and childcare expertise you’d bring to any position. Your role is providing excellent childcare, not being an LGBTQ+ ally mascot or making their family your personal growth project about diversity. They’re hiring a nanny, not a diversity consultant.
The Privilege of Supporting LGBTQ+ Families
Many nannies who’ve worked with same-sex couples talk about how meaningful those positions were to them. There’s something special about supporting families who fought to create their families, who are deliberately parenting children they really wanted, and who often bring deep intentionality to family life because they couldn’t take any of it for granted.
Two-dad families often have incredible communities of chosen family, rich support networks of other LGBTQ+ parents, and connection to broader communities that provide meaningful belonging. You might become part of that extended network in ways that feel different from more traditional family structures.
You’re also supporting kids who are growing up with expanded understanding of what family means, who are learning acceptance and openness from early age, and who often develop remarkable empathy and awareness of difference because they’ve experienced being different themselves.
None of this means LGBTQ+ families are perfect or that working with them is easier than other families. They have the same parenting challenges, household dysfunction, and complicated dynamics as everyone else. But there is something meaningful about doing work that directly supports families who still face real discrimination and challenges in many parts of the world.
The Bottom Line
Nannying for families with two dads is fundamentally the same as nannying for any family, with some additional considerations around navigating external reactions and supporting kids in family structures that not everyone understands or accepts. The actual work of childcare doesn’t change based on parents’ gender or sexual orientation.
What matters is approaching these families with genuine respect, not making assumptions about household dynamics or roles, protecting kids from discrimination when possible, and following parents’ guidance on how they want their family structure discussed and explained. If you can bring excellent childcare plus basic respect for family diversity, you’ll succeed in these positions.
After twenty years placing nannies with San Francisco families and families nationwide, including many same-sex couples, we know that the best nanny-family matches happen when everyone’s focused on the actual work rather than getting distracted by differences in family structure. Two-dad families need the same things all families need: competent, reliable, caring professionals who support their children’s development and fit into their household culture. If you can provide that while respecting their family for exactly what it is, you’ll thrive in these positions.
