You’ve accepted another position. Better pay, closer to home, hours that work better with your life. It’s objectively the right career move. But telling the family feels impossible because you genuinely love these kids, you respect the parents, this job has been good to you in ways that matter beyond compensation. The thought of looking the three-year-old in the eye and explaining you’re leaving makes you want to cry. You’re already dreading the conversation with the parents because they’ll be understanding but you’ll see the disappointment and stress your departure creates for them. Part of you wants to just stay to avoid all of this even though you know the new position is genuinely better for your career and your life. How do you leave people you care about without feeling like you’re abandoning them?
This might be the most common emotional struggle nannies face in their careers. You’re not leaving because the family mistreated you or because you’re unhappy. You’re leaving for legitimate professional or personal reasons that have nothing to do with them. Better compensation, shorter commute, work-life balance, career growth, personal circumstances, all valid reasons that still feel terrible when you care about the people affected by your decision. We’ve placed nannies in San Francisco and across markets for over twenty years and we’ve watched hundreds of nannies agonize over leaving families they genuinely love. Let’s talk about managing the guilt, having the conversation professionally, maintaining relationships after you leave, and why you’re allowed to prioritize your own needs even when you care deeply about your employer family and the children.
Why Leaving Good Families Feels So Hard
The relationship between nannies and families they work for is unique in ways that make leaving emotionally complicated. You’re not just an employee, you’ve been part of these children’s daily lives, their security, their routines. They trust you, they love you, and in many cases you’ve been a primary attachment figure for them through critical developmental years. That bond is real and it matters, which means leaving feels like you’re breaking that bond in ways that hurt the children. The guilt around potentially harming kids you love is enormous. Parents are depending on you in ways that go beyond typical employment. You’re not just one worker in an office they’ll replace, you’re the person who enables them to work, who they trust with their most precious people, who they’ve built their lives around. Your departure disrupts their entire household and creates stress and logistics problems you can see coming. That awareness makes you feel responsible for their difficulties even when you logically know you have the right to change jobs.
You’ve likely shared intimate aspects of this family’s life. You’ve been in their home daily, you know their routines, their struggles, their private moments. That intimacy creates connection that pure employment relationships don’t have. Leaving feels less like quitting a job and more like leaving people you have real relationships with. Many nannies develop genuine affection for the parents they work for beyond professional respect. You like them as people, you’ve shared years of their lives, you care about them succeeding and being happy. Hurting people you actually like feels terrible even when your reasons for leaving are valid. The children especially create complex emotions because they don’t understand career moves or professional growth. All they know is the person they love and depend on is going away. Your adult understanding that this is normal job transition doesn’t change the fact that from their perspective, you’re leaving them. That knowledge sits heavy.
Financial dependency makes it worse if your departure creates genuine hardship for the family. If they’re scrambling to find coverage, if the working parent has to reduce hours or make career sacrifices, if your leaving genuinely disrupts their stability, you feel responsible even though you’re allowed to change employment. Some families, consciously or unconsciously, make nannies feel guilty about leaving through how they respond to notice or through what they say about being abandoned or about how difficult replacement will be. That manipulation, whether intentional or not, magnifies guilt you’re already feeling. The longer you’ve been with the family, the harder leaving gets. Three months? Easier. Three years? The accumulated relationship, the depth of bond with children, the integration into family life, all of that makes departure feel monumental rather than routine.
Your Legitimate Reasons for Leaving
You need to actually believe your reasons for leaving are valid rather than beating yourself up for prioritizing your needs. Compensation matters and seeking better pay is professional, not greedy. If another family is offering significantly more money, taking that position is responsible financial decision. You’re not being mercenary, you’re being practical about supporting yourself. If you’ve been underpaid at current position and market rate elsewhere is higher, leaving is completely appropriate. Career growth and advancement are legitimate professional priorities. Maybe the new position offers more responsibility, better title, skills development, or positioning for future opportunities. Choosing career advancement over staying comfortable in current role is smart long-term planning.
Commute and schedule changes can significantly impact your quality of life. If new position is thirty minutes closer instead of ninety-minute commute, that’s hours back in your life weekly. If new hours work better with your other obligations or give you better work-life balance, that matters to your wellbeing. Personal life changes justify job changes. Maybe you’re moving in with a partner in different area. Maybe your own childcare situation changed and you need different hours. Maybe health issues mean you need less physically demanding position. Your personal circumstances get to drive employment decisions. Work environment and respect matter beyond just surface relationships. Maybe current family is lovely but you’re ready for different family dynamic, different aged children, different household environment. Those preferences are valid.
Professional development and challenge keep you engaged long-term. If you’ve outgrown current position, if it’s become routine and unstimulating, if you’re ready for more complex role, seeking that elsewhere makes sense even if current family is great. Burnout and sustainability are real concerns. Even with wonderful families, if the role is burning you out, if you’re approaching exhaustion, if the work has become unsustainable for your mental or physical health, leaving is appropriate self-care. Long-term career planning sometimes requires moves that feel unnecessary in the moment but position you better for future. Maybe you want to work with younger children and current kids have aged out. Maybe you want specialized experience that this position doesn’t provide. Planning career strategically is professional behavior.
Having the Conversation
Schedule formal time to give notice rather than catching parents in casual moment. “I need to schedule time to talk with you both about something important. Are you available this evening after I’m done working?” Gives them heads up this is serious without blindsiding them. Choose timing that’s private and allows for real conversation. Not when kids are around, not when they’re rushing to get somewhere, not at the very end of your shift when you’re about to leave. Create space for the conversation to actually happen. Start directly and clearly. Don’t ease into it gradually or hint around the topic. “I need to let you know that I’ve accepted another position and I’ll be leaving in X weeks.” Be clear from the beginning so they’re not confused about what you’re saying.
Explain your reasons honestly without over-explaining or apologizing excessively. “I’ve accepted a position that’s significantly closer to where I live, which will improve my quality of life significantly. This wasn’t an easy decision because I’ve genuinely loved working with your family.” You’re giving real reason without making it sound like they did something wrong or like you’re apologizing for having needs. Acknowledge what the position and the family have meant to you. “Working with your family has been wonderful. I’ve loved watching the kids grow and I’ve appreciated how you’ve treated me. This doesn’t reflect dissatisfaction with you, it’s about what’s right for my career and my life right now.” You’re making clear this is about your path forward, not about problems with them.
Give appropriate notice, ideally more than minimum if possible. Two weeks is standard baseline, but many nannies give four to six weeks when leaving families they care about to allow time for proper transition. More notice helps them find replacement and allows children to adjust. Offer to help with transition. “I’m happy to help with the search for my replacement, to overlap for training if that’s helpful, and to prepare thorough notes about the kids’ routines and preferences.” You’re showing you care about making this as smooth as possible even though you’re leaving. Be prepared for various emotional reactions. They might be understanding and supportive. They might be hurt and express disappointment. They might be stressed and focused immediately on logistics. They might need time to process. Let them have their feelings without taking responsibility for managing their emotions.
Don’t let guilt make you negotiate against your own interests. If they ask you to stay longer than you planned, if they counteroffer with more money, if they try to change the conditions to keep you, make decisions based on what’s actually right for you, not based on guilt. It’s okay to decline counteroffers and stick with your plans. If they get angry or accusatory, stay calm and professional. “I understand this is disappointing and creates challenges for you. I’ve given notice in good faith and I’m committed to making the transition as smooth as possible.” You don’t have to defend yourself against anger or absorb their stress.
Managing Your Own Emotions
Give yourself permission to feel sad about leaving. You’re allowed to be excited about new position and sad about leaving current family simultaneously. Both emotions can coexist and both are valid. Acknowledge that this is loss even though it’s also positive change. You’re losing daily connection with children you love, relationship with family you’ve spent years with, familiar routines and environment. That’s real loss worth grieving. Don’t minimize your own emotional experience by telling yourself you’re being silly or overdramatic. Your feelings are appropriate response to significant change involving real relationships.
Talk to other nannies who’ve been through this. The nanny community understands this emotional experience in ways people outside the profession don’t. Connecting with others who’ve successfully left families they loved helps you see that this is normal process, not betrayal. Process what’s hard about the decision without second-guessing yourself constantly. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you feel guilty. Yes, the kids will miss you. And yes, you’re still allowed to make this choice. All of those things are true at once. Set boundaries with your own guilt. Notice when you’re catastrophizing about how your departure will harm the children or destroy the family. Reality is almost certainly less dramatic than what guilt tells you. The kids will miss you and they’ll adjust. The family will find another nanny and move forward. You’re important to them but you’re not the only person who can care for these children.
Remember that families don’t feel the same guilt when they let nannies go for their own reasons. If their circumstances changed and they no longer needed you, they’d end your employment. You extending yourself the same right to make employment decisions based on your needs doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you appropriately self-protective. Take care of yourself during the transition period. The weeks between giving notice and leaving can be emotionally draining. Make sure you’re getting enough rest, processing your feelings, and not just powering through while pretending everything’s fine.
Telling the Children
Work with the parents to determine when and how to tell the children. This is their call to make since they’re the parents and they know their kids best. Follow their lead on timing and messaging. If they want to tell the kids themselves, respect that. If they want you to tell them together, do it their way. Be honest with children in age-appropriate ways. For very young children, simple explanation shortly before you leave works. “I’m going to be working with a different family soon, but your mom and dad are finding someone wonderful to play with you.” For older children who can understand more, be more detailed. “I’ve decided to take a job that’s closer to where I live. I’m going to miss you so much, and I’ve loved being your nanny.”
Reassure them about continuity and that leaving isn’t about them. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes grown-ups make decisions about work that mean changes. Your parents will find a great new nanny who will take good care of you.” Let them express their feelings without trying to fix the sadness. If they’re upset or angry, that’s healthy emotional response. “I know you’re sad. I’m sad too. It’s okay to have those feelings.” Validate rather than minimizing. Don’t make promises about future contact you might not keep. Saying “I’ll visit all the time” when you don’t know if that will actually happen sets kids up for more disappointment. Be honest about what might be possible. “We might see each other sometimes if your parents are okay with that.”
Create closure rituals if appropriate for the kids’ ages. Maybe you make a memory book together of your favorite times, maybe you have special last day traditions, maybe you write them letters they can keep. Concrete ways to mark the transition help children process. Answer their questions honestly without over-sharing adult concerns. “Where are you going?” – “I’m going to work with another family.” “Will we see you?” – “Maybe sometimes, we’ll see.” Keep it simple and child-focused. Be prepared for regression or acting out from children processing the loss. They might have more tantrums, clinginess, sleep issues, or behavioral changes as they work through feelings about your departure. That’s normal grief response, not evidence you’re traumatizing them.
Maintaining Relationships After You Leave
Discuss with parents explicitly what contact after departure looks like. Some families want clean breaks, some welcome ongoing connection, some are fine with occasional check-ins. Get clarity on their preferences and respect them. “I’d love to stay in touch and maybe see the kids occasionally if that works for your family. How would you feel about that?” Understand that relationships will change significantly once you’re no longer their employee. You can’t be as close as you were because the daily connection and the employment relationship structure that connection is gone. Expect the relationship to be less intense and less frequent even when everyone’s intentions are good.
Let them take the lead on contact frequency. If they reach out occasionally, respond warmly. Don’t push for more connection than they’re offering. Their lives are continuing with new childcare arrangements and they may need space to establish those before incorporating ongoing connection with you. If you do stay in touch, maintain appropriate boundaries about their current childcare. Don’t ask intrusive questions about the new nanny, don’t position yourself as better option, don’t create comparisons. “How are the kids doing?” is appropriate. “Is the new nanny working out?” gets into territory that’s not really your business anymore.
Respect if the relationship fades naturally. Many nanny-family connections that feel significant during employment drift apart afterward and that’s normal. People move on, routines change, new relationships form. If contact becomes infrequent or stops entirely, that doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t real or meaningful while it lasted, just that it served its purpose during the time it was active. Some relationships do maintain long-term and that’s lovely when it happens. Former employer families who become genuine friends, children you cared for who stay in your life for years, that’s special. But don’t force it or feel failed if it doesn’t evolve that way.
What You’re Teaching Yourself
Every time you prioritize your legitimate professional needs over guilt about leaving families you care about, you’re reinforcing healthy self-worth and appropriate professional boundaries. You’re teaching yourself that you matter, that your career and wellbeing are important, that you’re allowed to make choices that serve you even when they disappoint others. Those lessons matter beyond this one job change. You’re modeling for other nannies that leaving for better opportunities doesn’t make you disloyal or bad at your job. You’re normalizing professional behavior in field where women especially are conditioned to sacrifice their needs for others indefinitely.
You’re demonstrating to families that household employees are professionals with careers, not interchangeable helpers who should stay regardless of circumstances. Families need to understand that good nannies have options and will make career moves. Your professionalism in leaving well teaches them to treat future household employees as professionals. You’re learning that you can care about people and still make decisions that serve your interests. Love and professional boundaries can coexist. Caring about the family doesn’t obligate you to stay in position that’s no longer right for you.
You’re proving to yourself that you can navigate difficult conversations and complex emotions while still taking care of your own needs. That skill serves you throughout your career and life. You’re establishing pattern of making strategic career moves rather than staying places out of guilt or fear or excessive loyalty. That pattern, practiced over a career, leads to better long-term outcomes than staying in each position until circumstances force you out.
Moving Forward
Accept that leaving will be hard and that’s okay. Hard doesn’t mean wrong. You can make the right decision and still feel sad about it, guilty about impacts on people you care about, anxious about the conversation and the transition. All of that is normal human experience of significant change involving real relationships. Trust that you’re capable of handling hard things. You’ll have the conversation, you’ll work through your notice period, you’ll say goodbye to the kids, and it will hurt and you’ll survive it. You’ve survived other hard things. You’ll survive this one too.
Remember the family will be okay. They’ll miss you, they’ll be stressed finding replacement, they’ll go through transition period, and they’ll land on their feet with new childcare arrangement. They have resources and support and capability to manage this change. The kids will be okay. Children are resilient. They’ll miss you, they’ll grieve the change in age-appropriate ways, they’ll adjust to new nanny, and they’ll be fine. Your presence in their lives mattered and leaving doesn’t erase what you gave them during the time you were there.
You’re allowed to move forward in your career. You’re allowed to seek better compensation, better conditions, positions that serve your life better. You’re allowed to leave good situations for even better ones. You don’t have to be fleeing disaster to justify changing jobs. Professional growth is legitimate reason all by itself. Give yourself the same grace you’d give a friend in this situation. If another nanny told you she was leaving family she loved for better opportunity and felt terrible about it, you’d tell her she’s doing the right thing and that guilt is understandable but not a reason to stay. Extend yourself that same compassion.
After twenty years in this industry placing nannies across San Francisco and everywhere else, we’ve watched hundreds of nannies successfully leave families they cared about for legitimate professional reasons. Almost universally, they report that the anticipatory guilt was worse than the actual leaving, that families were more understanding than feared, that children adjusted better than expected, and that the new position was worth the difficult transition. You’re allowed to leave families you love. You’re allowed to prioritize your professional and personal needs. Handle it well, maintain the relationships if that works for everyone, and move forward with confidence that you’re making choices that serve your career and your life.
Title: How to Leave a Family You Still Care About
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