How many more chances are you supposed to give them? You’ve had the conversation about boundaries three times now. You’ve addressed the scope creep, the late payments, the disrespect. Each time they apologize, promise to do better, seem genuinely regretful. Then within weeks, sometimes days, the same patterns return. You’re working more hours than agreed to without additional pay. They’re texting you at midnight about non-emergencies. They’re making commitments and breaking them. You keep thinking if you just communicate more clearly, if you just give them one more opportunity to fix things, the situation will improve because they really do seem like they want to be better employers. But here you are again, frustrated and disrespected and wondering how much longer you’re supposed to tolerate behavior that keeps not actually changing despite all the conversations.
The hardest thing for many nannies to accept is that some bad employment situations cannot be fixed no matter how much effort you put in, no matter how many conversations you have, no matter how much you want it to work. The problems aren’t communication failures or misunderstandings. The problems are fundamental incompatibility, employer character issues, or dynamics that won’t change because the employers don’t actually want them to change despite what they say. Knowing when to stop trying to make it work and just leave saves you months or years of frustration trying to fix the unfixable. We’ve been placing nannies in Austin and across markets for over twenty years and we’ve watched nannies burn themselves out trying to salvage positions that were never going to improve. Let’s talk about recognizing truly unfixable situations, why it’s so hard to walk away from bad jobs, giving yourself permission to stop trying, and how to leave without guilt when you’ve genuinely done everything you reasonably could.
Pattern Recognition Matters More Than Individual Incidents
Single bad interaction doesn’t mean the job is unfixable. String of bad interactions following the exact same pattern despite multiple conversations about that pattern means the situation won’t improve. If you’ve addressed specific issue three or more times and behavior hasn’t changed, you’re not dealing with misunderstanding or forgetfulness, you’re dealing with someone who either can’t or won’t change that behavior. Distinguish between one-time mistakes and recurring patterns. Everyone has bad days, forgets things occasionally, gets stressed and snaps. But if the “bad day” happens twice weekly, if the “forgetting” is about the same commitment every single time, if the stressed snapping is how they always communicate with you, that’s not circumstance, that’s character.
Pay attention to whether problems intensify over time or stay consistent. If the first month had two problems, month three had five problems, month six had constant problems, the trajectory is clear. Things are getting worse not better, which means staying longer just means enduring escalating dysfunction. Watch for whether they apologize and temporarily improve before reverting. That cycle of “we’re so sorry, we’ll do better” followed by two weeks of actual improvement followed by return to problematic patterns is manipulation, not genuine change. They’re doing the minimum to keep you from leaving without actually addressing root causes. Notice whether new problems keep emerging even when you successfully address existing ones. You fixed the late payment issue but now there’s scope creep. You addressed scope creep but now there’s disrespect. You’re not making progress, you’re playing whack-a-mole with dysfunction. That’s symptom of fundamentally problematic employer, not specific fixable issues.
Evaluate whether problems come from circumstances or from who these people fundamentally are. If they’re disorganized because they’re going through temporary crisis, that might improve when crisis passes. If they’re disorganized because they’re chaotic people who’ve always been this way and will always be this way, your attempts to create structure won’t work long-term. Consider whether you’ve seen any evidence they’re capable of sustaining change. Have they successfully changed any behavior and maintained it? If everything they promise to fix reverts within weeks, they’re showing you they cannot or will not sustain different patterns.
Red Flags That This Won’t Get Better
Repeated boundary violations despite clear conversations about boundaries signal fundamental disrespect that won’t change. If you’ve said “please don’t text me after 8 PM except emergencies” and they continue texting you about non-urgent matters at 10 PM regularly, they don’t respect your boundaries. No amount of additional conversations will create respect that isn’t there. Chronic late payment despite having resources shows you’re not financial priority and that won’t change. If they can afford expensive vacations and luxury purchases but your paycheck is consistently late, the problem isn’t their finances, it’s their priorities. You’re ranked below their wants on their priority list and that ranking is unlikely to shift.
Refusal to put agreements in writing or constant changing of verbal agreements reveals they want to keep things vague so they can backpedal and reinterpret whenever convenient. If every time you try to confirm something in writing they deflect or avoid, they’re preserving their ability to deny or reframe what was actually agreed to. Defensiveness when you raise any concern, even minor ones, means they cannot handle feedback. If bringing up small issue creates big emotional reaction where they get angry or hurt or turn it around on you, they’re not going to be capable of the ongoing communication employment relationships require. Blaming you for problems they create is manipulation tactic that indicates someone who won’t take responsibility. “You’re too sensitive” when they’re disrespectful. “You misunderstood” when they broke a commitment. “You’re being difficult” when you assert boundaries. Blame-shifting doesn’t improve with time.
Lack of follow-through on promised changes after multiple conversations shows you their words don’t match their capacity or willingness to actually change. Saying they’ll do better is easy. Actually doing better requires sustained effort they apparently can’t or won’t make. Adding more responsibilities without compensation adjustments despite conversations about fair compensation for scope of work means they view you as resource to exploit rather than professional to compensate appropriately. That fundamental view of household employees won’t change. Disrespect for your time, your professional judgment, your boundaries, or you as a person isn’t fixable. Respect can’t be negotiated into existence. Either they respect you or they don’t. If they don’t, leaving is your only option.
Why You Keep Trying
Financial need is the biggest reason nannies stay in situations they know won’t improve. You need the income, you need the stability, you can’t afford gap in employment while you search for something better. That practical reality keeps you trying to make unworkable situations work because the alternative feels too risky. You’re attached to the children and the thought of leaving them in care of whoever these dysfunctional people hire next feels terrible. You care about those kids and that care keeps you in position that’s harming you because at least you know the kids are getting good care from you.
You keep thinking you haven’t tried hard enough or communicated clearly enough. If you just find the right words, the right approach, the right time to have the conversation, maybe they’ll finally understand and change. That hope keeps you trying when evidence clearly shows additional communication won’t help. You’ve invested significant time and energy into this position and walking away feels like admitting failure or wasting all that investment. The sunk cost fallacy is real and it keeps people in bad situations because leaving means acknowledging the time invested wasn’t going to result in positive outcome. You feel guilty about leaving because they’ve expressed how much they need you, how hard it would be to replace you, how much the kids love you. That guilt, whether genuinely felt by them or deliberately fostered, keeps you staying longer than you should.
You don’t want another job search. Looking for new positions, interviewing, checking references, going through trials, it’s all exhausting. Staying in known bad situation feels easier than facing unknown of job market even when the known situation is really unpleasant. You keep seeing glimmers of what the position could be when they’re on their best behavior and that potential keeps you hoping. If they can be good employers for two days, maybe they can sustain it permanently. Except they never do, but that hope is powerful motivator to keep trying.
Some nannies were taught that quitting is failure or that good employees endure difficult situations rather than leaving. Those messages make you ashamed of wanting to leave even when leaving is the only rational choice. You’re afraid leaving will make it harder to find next position if you can’t stay anywhere, if your resume shows short tenures, if references are questionable. That fear keeps you staying in bad situations to avoid looking like someone who can’t keep jobs, even when the situations are genuinely untenable.
Permission to Stop Trying
You don’t owe infinite patience to employers who repeatedly demonstrate they won’t address problems you’ve communicated clearly. Three to four serious conversations about the same issue is more than enough. If nothing has changed by then, nothing will change. You’re allowed to prioritize your wellbeing over hope that they might eventually change. Staying in situations that stress you constantly, disrespect you regularly, or harm your mental health isn’t virtuous, it’s self-destructive. Protecting yourself by leaving is appropriate self-care.
You’re not abandoning the children by leaving a position that’s damaging to you. Those children need caregivers who are healthy and respected. Staying while you’re burned out and mistreated doesn’t actually serve the children as well as you think it does. Leaving is making space for their parents to hire someone who might be in better situation or for those parents to face consequences of being difficult employers. You’ve done your part by communicating problems and giving opportunities for change. If change hasn’t happened, that’s not your failure, it’s their choice. You tried. You communicated. You gave chances. You don’t have to keep trying indefinitely.
Your responsibility is managing your employment relationships professionally, not fixing other adults who don’t want to be fixed. Being professional means communicating clearly about problems, which you’ve done. It doesn’t mean tolerating indefinite poor treatment while hoping they eventually decide to change. Every day you stay in position you know won’t improve is a day you’re not searching for or working in position that could actually be good. The opportunity cost of staying in bad situations is significant. You’re preventing yourself from finding better employment while you’re treading water in dysfunction.
You’re allowed to have dealbreakers and to enforce them by leaving when they’re violated repeatedly. “I need to be paid on time” is reasonable dealbreaker. “I need my boundaries respected” is reasonable dealbreaker. “I need basic professional courtesy” is reasonable dealbreaker. You get to decide what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t, and leaving when your dealbreakers are crossed is appropriate boundary enforcement.
Making the Decision to Leave
If you’ve had the same conversation three or more times without sustained behavior change, it’s time to accept the situation won’t improve and plan your exit. Don’t wait for things to get worse, don’t give them one more chance, don’t hope this time will be different. Three times is enough to establish the pattern. If your mental or physical health is being affected by the job stress, that’s urgent signal to leave. No job is worth destroying your health for. If you dread going to work most days, if you’re anxious constantly about what problems will arise, if you’re losing sleep or developing stress-related health issues, get out.
If you’ve documented multiple serious issues and nothing improves, you have clear record that this isn’t fixable. Your documentation isn’t just for potential legal purposes, it’s evidence to yourself that you’ve done due diligence and the problems are real and persistent. If you’re fantasizing about quitting regularly, if you’re job searching even though you’re trying to make current position work, if you’re constantly calculating when you can afford to leave, your subconscious is telling you the decision is already made. Listen to that. If the thought of giving notice brings more relief than anxiety, that’s information. You should feel some sadness or apprehension about leaving a position. If you primarily feel relief, even excitement, that tells you how bad the current situation really is.
Ask yourself honestly: if a friend described this exact employment situation to you and asked for advice, would you tell them to keep trying or would you tell them to leave? Often we give better advice to others than we give ourselves. Trust what you’d tell someone else in your situation. Consider whether anything would need to change for you to be happy in this position. If the list is long and includes fundamental changes to employer personalities or household dynamics, that’s not happening. If the changes required are actually achievable and specific, maybe one more conversation is worth it. But be honest about whether you’re looking at fixable issues or at requiring these people to become different people.
Planning Your Exit
Once you’ve decided to leave, create actual timeline and plan rather than just thinking about it indefinitely. “I’ll leave after I find something better” can turn into years if you don’t actively search. Set deadline like “I’ll give notice by end of March whether I have another position lined up or not.” Having deadline creates urgency to act. Line up references before you give notice if possible. If you think they’ll be bad references or retaliate, get ahead of it. Contact former employers, use personal references, have plan for how you’ll explain this position to future employers. Build financial cushion if you can to make leaving without another position lined up less terrifying. Even small emergency fund gives you more options and reduces pressure to stay in bad situation because you’re financially desperate.
Start job search quietly while still employed. Update your resume, contact agencies, network with other nannies about openings. Finding new position while you have current job gives you security and leverage. Plan what you’ll say when you give notice. Keep it professional and brief. “This position hasn’t been a good fit and I’ll be leaving in two weeks.” You don’t owe lengthy explanation or detailed recounting of every problem. Short and professional protects you. Prepare for various reactions to your notice. They might be angry, they might try to guilt you, they might make promises to change, they might be relieved. Have plan for how you’ll respond to each possibility without being swayed from your decision.
Document everything in your final weeks. Hours worked, any agreements, any issues that arise. Protect yourself legally and professionally. If things escalate after you give notice, you have records. Be professional through your notice period even if they’re not. You’re doing this for your own reputation and conscience, not because they deserve it. Maintain your standards even when leaving because how you leave affects how you carry yourself into next position.
What You’ll Learn
Every time you leave a bad situation instead of enduring it indefinitely, you’re reinforcing that you have agency and that you deserve to work in environments that respect you. You’re teaching yourself that your wellbeing matters more than other people’s convenience. Those lessons compound over a career to create healthier relationship with work and stronger sense of professional self-worth. You’re learning to recognize red flags earlier. Next position, you’ll spot the warning signs faster. You’ll trust your gut sooner. You’ll give fewer chances to patterns you’ve seen before. That pattern recognition protects you from wasting time in situations you now know won’t work.
You’re discovering that the anxiety about leaving is usually worse than actually leaving. The anticipation, the guilt, the worry, all of that is more painful than the actual act of giving notice and moving on. Knowing that makes future difficult employment decisions less paralyzing. You’re building evidence that you survive hard things and land on your feet afterward. Every bad job you’ve left successfully proves you’re capable of navigating uncertainty and finding better situations. That evidence combats fear that keeps you stuck.
You’re establishing pattern of prioritizing yourself appropriately in employment relationships. Not selfishly, just appropriately. You matter. Your needs count. You get to leave situations that harm you. That pattern serves you throughout your career and throughout your life beyond work.
Moving Forward
After you leave, process what you learned from the experience so you carry wisdom forward without carrying damage. What red flags did you miss in interviews? What questions should you have asked? What would you do differently next time? Learn from it without beating yourself up. Recognize what you did well even in bad situation. You communicated clearly, you gave appropriate chances, you maintained professionalism even when it wasn’t reciprocated. You handled difficult situation as well as anyone could. Acknowledge that to yourself. Let yourself feel whatever you feel about leaving. Relief, sadness, anger about time wasted, anxiety about what’s next. All of those emotions can exist simultaneously and all are valid responses to significant work transition.
Don’t let this experience make you afraid to trust future employers. Most families are better than this one. Not perfect, but better. This situation doesn’t represent all household employment. Trust yourself to recognize healthier dynamics in future positions. Use what you learned about your dealbreakers and boundaries to screen more carefully next time. You now know what you won’t tolerate. Be clear about that in future interviews and employment negotiations.
If you’re in Austin or anywhere else trying to make a bad nanny position work, really evaluate whether you’re dealing with fixable miscommunication or unfixable dysfunction. If you’ve communicated clearly multiple times without lasting behavior change, if your health and wellbeing are suffering, if you dread work constantly, if the relationship is fundamentally disrespectful, you don’t have to keep trying. You’ve done enough. Permission granted to stop trying to make the unfixable work and to find employment that actually values you. You deserve better than positions that require you to beg for basic respect and reasonable working conditions. Stop trying to fix what won’t be fixed and go find something worth your time and talents.
