There’s a particular type of family listing that makes veteran nannies in Los Angeles scroll right past without applying. Beautiful home in prime neighborhood, generous compensation package, luxury benefits, international travel, access to incredible lifestyle. On paper it looks like dream position. But experienced nannies read between the lines and see the red flags newer nannies miss entirely. The job posting mentions need for “extreme discretion” three times. It lists fourteen different responsibilities spanning childcare, household management, personal assistance, and event coordination with no clarity about which are primary. It emphasizes the family’s prominent social position and connections. It stresses how selective they are and how lucky the right candidate will be to work for them. Veteran nannies recognize these signals. This family thinks household staff are there to be impressed by their wealth and grateful for access to their lifestyle. This family hasn’t figured out that they’re the ones who need to impress qualified candidates, not the other way around. This family is going to be nightmare to work for in ways that no amount of money compensates for.
Pattern recognition from years in private service creates sixth sense about which wealthy families will be difficult employers regardless of how attractive the surface opportunity appears. It’s not about wealth itself. Many extremely wealthy families are wonderful employers. It’s about specific attitudes, behaviors, and dynamics that correlate with wealth in certain households and create terrible working conditions for domestic staff. Experienced nannies have learned to spot these patterns during interviews and job descriptions, and they’ve learned to trust their instincts about walking away from positions that less experienced candidates jump at enthusiastically. We’ve been placing nannies in Los Angeles and across luxury markets for over twenty years and we’ve seen which red flags matter and which families veteran nannies avoid. Let’s talk about what experienced nannies recognize that newer nannies don’t, why certain types of wealthy families are particularly problematic employers, and how to develop the judgment to walk away from attractive-looking positions that will actually be miserable.
The “You Should Be Grateful” Dynamic
The biggest red flag experienced nannies watch for is families who believe you should feel lucky to work for them rather than understanding they should feel lucky to employ qualified professional. This shows up immediately in how they conduct interviews. If they’re interviewing you like you’re auditioning for privilege of serving them rather than like they’re trying to convince qualified professional to choose their position over other options, that attitude won’t improve after hire. Families who emphasize their prominence, their connections, their lifestyle, their importance during interviews are signaling that they see the employment relationship as hierarchical in ways that go beyond normal employer-employee dynamics. They see themselves as granting you access to their world and they expect gratitude and deference in return.
Watch for families who talk more about who they are than about what they need from a nanny. If the interview is primarily them telling you about their achievements, their properties, their social circle, their significance, they’re establishing that they’re the important ones in this relationship. That attitude affects how they’ll treat you daily. They’ll expect you to be impressed, to be grateful, to feel the honor of working for someone so successful and important. They won’t see you as professional they’ve hired for your expertise but as subordinate who should be thankful for the opportunity. Pay attention to whether they discuss your qualifications and experience with genuine interest or whether they barely ask about your background because they assume anyone would want this position regardless of their credentials. Experienced nannies know their expertise matters and they want families who recognize that. Families who don’t ask substantive questions about your background don’t actually value your professional knowledge.
Notice whether compensation discussions center on how generous they’re being or on market value for the work required. “We’re offering very competitive compensation for this role” (actual market rate stated confidently) is different from “We’re prepared to pay very well for the right person” (vague promise dependent on you impressing them enough). The second approach keeps you uncertain and grateful rather than confident about your worth. If they emphasize what you’ll get to experience rather than what work you’ll do, priorities are wrong. “You’ll travel to amazing places, stay in beautiful homes, experience lifestyle most people only dream about” sounds appealing but it’s fundamentally about them giving you access to their lifestyle rather than about you providing professional service they need. That framing sets up dynamic where they’re bestowing privilege and you owe gratitude.
Boundary Violations Announced as Job Requirements
Experienced nannies know that families who are going to violate boundaries announce it during interviews and job descriptions by presenting boundary violations as normal job requirements. When position description includes “must be available 24/7” or “must be willing to be on call at all times” or “work hours are flexible based on family needs,” veteran nannies translate that correctly: they will text you at midnight, call you on days off, and expect you to drop everything whenever they want something regardless of whether it’s actually urgent. Families who haven’t figured out that household staff need off-duty time will not learn that after hire. Position requirements listing “must be willing to travel frequently, sometimes on short notice” means they will expect you to cancel personal plans and jump on planes with minimal warning because their schedule is more important than your life. Nannies with experience know that “short notice” travel sounds exciting until you’ve had to cancel important events repeatedly because the family booked last-minute trip and expects you to come along.
When job descriptions emphasize “discretion” and “confidentiality” excessively, experienced nannies recognize families who are going to be paranoid about staff loyalty in ways that create uncomfortable work environment. Yes, discretion is important in private service. But families who hammer it repeatedly in job descriptions are often the ones who will question you about who you talk to, monitor your communications, create atmosphere of suspicion rather than trust. Positions listing wildly diverse responsibilities without clear prioritization (“childcare, household management, personal assistance, event planning, travel coordination, errands”) signal families who haven’t thought through what they actually need and will pile tasks on you endlessly. Veteran nannies know that lack of scope definition becomes scope creep immediately after hire.
Families who include requirements about physical appearance, fitness level, or presentation unless directly relevant to job duties are revealing they care more about how staff look than what staff do. “Must be fit and active” for position caring for athletic children makes sense. “Must maintain professional appearance at all times” as vague requirement suggests family cares about you looking a certain way for their image purposes. Requirements about specific brands you should use, cars you should drive, or how you should present yourself when representing the family signal they see you as extension of their brand rather than as professional person.
The Chaos Masquerading as Flexibility
Wealthy families with chaotic lifestyles sometimes present that chaos as exciting flexibility that nannies should appreciate. Experienced nannies translate “every day is different” correctly: there’s no predictable schedule and you’ll never know what’s expected until that morning. “We value flexibility and adaptability” means your schedule will change constantly with minimal notice and you’re expected to accommodate gracefully. “Fast-paced household” means disorganized chaos where you’ll be responding to constant last-minute demands. Veteran nannies know some families thrive on spontaneity in ways that make stable employment impossible. These aren’t families making occasional schedule adjustments, they’re families who live completely reactively and expect staff to absorb all the stress and logistics of their chaotic approach to life.
Watch during interviews for whether they can actually describe typical week or whether every question about schedule gets answered with “it varies” or “it depends.” Families who cannot articulate what normal looks like either because there is no normal or because they haven’t thought about it enough to describe it create exhausting work environments. Notice whether they apologize for complexity and acknowledge it’s challenging or whether they present chaos as positive feature you should be excited about. “Our schedule is demanding and changes frequently, we know that’s challenging and we compensate well and try to give as much notice as possible” shows awareness. “We have such an exciting lifestyle, every day is an adventure!” shows obliviousness to how their lifestyle affects employees.
Listen for whether they distinguish between truly urgent matters and preferences. If everything is urgent, nothing actually is, and you’ll be running constantly for things that aren’t actually time-sensitive. Families who use “urgent” and “emergency” language for routine matters haven’t developed appropriate sense of what actually requires immediate response versus what can wait. Pay attention to how they handle scheduling the interview itself. If they change time multiple times, if they’re significantly late without apology, if they reschedule last minute, that’s preview of how they’ll treat your time after hire. The chaos isn’t going to improve, it’s going to be your daily reality.
Compensation That Creates Golden Handcuffs
Veteran nannies are suspicious of compensation packages that seem too good to be true because they often are. Families who offer dramatically above market compensation without clear reason why sometimes do it because they know the position is going to be terrible and they need to pay premium to get anyone to take it or stay in it. They’re paying for your tolerance of dysfunction rather than paying for your expertise. Watch for compensation structures that create dependence. Huge bonuses contingent on staying full year, massive benefits that you lose if you leave, stock options or deferred compensation that won’t vest until you’ve been there years. These structures trap you in position even when it’s terrible because leaving means losing significant money. That’s intentional. Families using these compensation structures often know they’re difficult employers and they’re trying to make it financially impossible for you to leave.
Notice whether base salary is appropriate or whether compensation is heavily weighted toward bonuses, benefits, and perks. You need livable base salary, not compensation structure where you’re dependent on variable components or non-cash benefits to make the position financially sustainable. Families who offer you use of luxury car, designer clothes, expensive perks that don’t translate to actual money are trying to make you feel compensated without actually paying you what you’re worth. Be skeptical of compensation that includes lots of lifestyle access but mediocre actual wages. “You’ll live in our guesthouse” doesn’t pay your student loans. “You can use the gym and eat all meals with the family” doesn’t build your retirement savings. Cash compensation matters more than lifestyle perks that evaporate when you leave.
If they emphasize how much money they’re spending on you including housing, meals, travel, access, they’re trying to make you feel like you’re getting more than you are. They’re valuing at full retail things that cost them little or nothing to provide while potentially underpaying your actual salary. Experienced nannies know the difference between genuine generous compensation and smoke and mirrors that makes package look better than it is.
The Entitled Children Nobody’s Parenting
During interviews and trials, experienced nannies watch the children carefully for signs that parents aren’t actually parenting in meaningful ways and expect nannies to manage children nobody has set boundaries with or taught appropriate behavior. If children are wildly disrespectful to parents during your interview and parents don’t address it at all, you’re seeing what you’ll be dealing with daily except you won’t even have the authority parents have. Children who interrupt constantly, make demands, show no consideration for adults talking, that’s children who’ve never been taught that their wants aren’t the center of everyone’s universe at all times. You’ll be expected to care for them without authority to actually require respectful behavior.
Watch for parents who explain away terrible behavior rather than addressing it. “Oh, he’s just tired” when child is being genuinely unkind. “She’s very spirited” when child is being completely uncontrolled. “They’re expressing themselves” when children are being destructive or cruel. That framing tells you parents have decided discipline is damaging and you’ll be expected to manage children with no tools. Notice whether parents actually interact meaningfully with children during interview or trial or whether children are primarily attached to devices or being managed by current staff while parents observe. Families who aren’t actually engaged with their own children often hire nannies to do the relationship building and daily work they don’t want to do themselves, then they criticize how you do it because they have opinions without actually being willing to be involved.
Pay attention to whether children have any responsibilities or contribution to household or whether staff do literally everything for them. Children old enough to dress themselves who have nanny doing it, children who’ve never cleared their own plates or put away toys, children who have no age-appropriate independence or life skills because staff do everything. You’re seeing families raising completely dependent children and you’ll be expected to perpetuate that rather than teach actual skills. Listen for whether parents discuss their parenting philosophy or whether they seem to have outsourced all actual parenting to staff. If they can’t articulate their approach to discipline, values they’re trying to instill, or what they want for their children beyond surface achievement, they probably aren’t doing the parenting work and they’ll expect you to figure it all out.
When They Trash Talk Previous Staff
Experienced nannies know that families who speak badly about previous household employees during interviews will speak badly about you once you’re former employee. If they describe previous nanny as incompetent, lazy, dishonest, unprofessional, and they’re the fourth nanny in three years, the problem isn’t the nannies, it’s the family. When everyone who works for them is supposedly terrible, either they have catastrophically bad judgment about hiring or they’re impossible to satisfy and they blame staff rather than examining their own behavior. Listen for whether they take any responsibility for previous employment relationships not working. “We learned we need to be clearer about expectations” shows growth. “They just didn’t work out, none of them were right” shows pattern of blaming rather than learning.
Notice whether they respect previous employees’ confidentiality or whether they share details about why people left, personal circumstances, or other information that should be private. Families who gossip about former staff to candidates will gossip about you to your replacement. Watch for whether they badmouth other staff currently working for them. If they criticize their housekeeper, gardener, or other employees to you during interviews, that shows general disrespect for household workers and you’ll be subject to same treatment. Pay attention to what they say they’re looking for in new nanny compared to what was “wrong” with previous ones. If the gaps in previous employees match skills you have, great. If they’re complaining about things that seem normal or reasonable, they’re not looking for improvement, they’re looking for someone who will tolerate what previous nannies wouldn’t.
Ask directly about turnover and listen carefully to response. “Our last nanny was with us for seven years and only left because she relocated” is very different from “We’ve had several nannies but we’re very selective.” High turnover paired with explanations that focus on employees’ failures rather than acknowledging their own contribution to relationship problems reveals families who won’t be satisfied with any employee.
Trusting Your Gut When Something Feels Off
The most important skill experienced nannies develop is trusting their instincts when something about a family or position feels wrong even if they can’t articulate exactly what. If you leave interview feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or vaguely wrong about situation, trust that feeling. Your subconscious has processed signals your conscious mind might not have named yet. Don’t talk yourself out of instinctive unease because the job looks good on paper. If families are pressing you to accept position quickly without time to think or check references, that pressure is red flag. Good employers understand major employment decisions require thought. Desperation to fill position immediately often means they know people leave quickly once they understand what the job really entails.
Watch for inconsistencies between what they say and what you observe. If they emphasize how much they value staff but they’re dismissive to current employees, believe the behavior not the words. If they claim they have great relationship with current nanny but that nanny seems miserable or tense, trust what you’re seeing. Notice how you feel physically during interview. If you’re getting stress headache, if your stomach is tight, if you feel exhausted after relatively brief interaction, your body is responding to something unhealthy in the dynamic. Physical responses carry information even when your mind hasn’t fully processed what’s wrong.
Consider whether interview felt like mutual exploration of fit or like interrogation where you were trying to pass tests and prove yourself worthy. Healthy employment relationships involve both parties assessing whether partnership will work. If you felt like you were the only one being evaluated rather than both parties exploring compatibility, that imbalance will characterize the employment relationship. Think about whether you can imagine actually working there day to day. If you can’t picture yourself in that household, in that dynamic, with those people, that probably means something about the fit doesn’t work even if you can’t name specifically what.
What Experienced Nannies Walk Toward Instead
Veteran nannies know what green lights look like and they hold out for families showing those qualities rather than jumping at highest compensation or most impressive surface opportunity. Families who treat interview as mutual exploration and seem genuinely interested in you as professional rather than just evaluating whether you meet their standards show respect for household employment that translates to good working relationship. Employers who can clearly articulate their needs, their children’s needs, their household rhythms, their expectations show thoughtfulness that prevents conflicts and creates stable employment. Families who acknowledge challenges honestly rather than pretending everything is perfect all the time demonstrate reality-based perspective that makes them manageable to work for.
Parents who are actually engaged with their children during interview, who show warmth and connection, who clearly do meaningful parenting themselves signal they’re hiring nanny to support their parenting rather than replace it. That creates healthier dynamic. Families who speak respectfully about previous or current household staff even when those relationships didn’t work out show they don’t trash people who work for them. Employers who provide detailed information about compensation including base salary, benefits, schedule, expectations without you having to extract it from them demonstrate transparency that makes relationship trustworthy. Positions where scope is clear and appropriate for role you’re being hired for rather than containing impossible range of responsibilities show families who understand what nannies do and what reasonable workload looks like.
Families who give you time to think about offer, encourage you to check their references, and don’t pressure you into quick decision respect your need to make informed choice and trust you’ll say yes if position is genuinely good fit. That confidence that they’re offering something worth accepting differs dramatically from families who pressure immediate acceptance because they know people leave once they understand the reality. Employers who discuss your career goals and professional development show they see you as person with career trajectory rather than interchangeable staff. Households where you can imagine actually being happy day to day even when doing routine work signal genuine compatibility rather than surface attractiveness masking dysfunction.
After twenty years placing nannies in Los Angeles and luxury markets everywhere, we’ve learned that experienced nannies who walk away from attractive-looking positions with difficult wealthy families end up in better situations than nannies who ignore red flags and accept positions that look prestigious but are actually miserable. Money and lifestyle access matter but they don’t compensate for working in environments where you’re disrespected, boundaries are violated, chaos is constant, or families believe you should be grateful for opportunity to serve them. Learning to recognize and trust warning signs that veteran nannies spot immediately protects you from wasting months or years in positions that harm your wellbeing and professional development. The wealthy families worth working for exist and they’re actively looking for professionals like you. Hold out for them rather than accepting positions with families who offer compensation but create misery.
