Kids notice everything, including when adults like one of them more than the other. Your older daughter mentions that the nanny always wants to play with her little brother. Your son asks why the nanny gets annoyed when he needs help but is patient with his sister. You start paying attention and realize your ROTA nanny is absolutely showing favoritism – more affection for one child, more patience with one than the other, visible preference that’s creating hurt feelings and sibling tension.
This is one of the most damaging dynamics that can develop with childcare providers. Kids internalize the message that they’re less likable, less valuable, less worthy of care and attention. Siblings start competing for the nanny’s favor or resenting each other for being preferred. And you’re stuck trying to figure out if you’re overreacting to normal human variation in how people connect with different kids or if this is genuinely problematic favoritism that needs to be addressed.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we take favoritism seriously because we know how much damage it can do to children’s emotional wellbeing and sibling relationships. Professional childcare providers should be capable of treating all children in their care with equal warmth, patience, and attention even if they naturally click better with some kids than others. Having a preference is human. Showing that preference in ways that hurt children is unprofessional.
Start by being honest about what you’re observing. Are you seeing actual unequal treatment – one child getting more positive attention, more help, more patience – or are you seeing personality matching where your nanny just naturally connects more easily with one child’s temperament? Some kids are easier to care for than others, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is punishing the harder child by being visibly less warm or patient with them.
Document specific examples over a week or two. Your nanny consistently chooses to read with your daughter but tells your son to play independently. Your nanny uses a harsh tone with your older child but a gentle tone with your younger one for the same behavior. Your nanny lights up when one child enters the room but seems annoyed when the other wants attention. Patterns matter more than isolated incidents.
Talk to your kids age-appropriately about what they’re experiencing. Don’t put ideas in their heads, but ask open questions. “How do you feel when Nanny is here?” “Do you think Nanny treats you and your brother the same?” Kids will often tell you directly if they feel less liked or less important, and their perspective matters even if they’re young.
When you’re ready to address it, be direct with your nanny. “I’ve noticed that you seem to have more patience with Sarah than with Michael. He’s mentioned feeling like you don’t like him as much, and I’ve observed differences in tone and engagement level. I need you to be equally warm and patient with both children regardless of whose personality is naturally easier for you.”
Listen to their response without letting them deflect. Some nannies will immediately deny it even when it’s obvious. Others will try to justify it by saying one child is more difficult or demanding. Neither response is acceptable. Professional childcare means adapting to each child’s needs and providing equal care regardless of difficulty level.
Your nanny might say they don’t realize they’re showing favoritism. That’s fair – sometimes people don’t see their own patterns. But now that you’ve pointed it out, they need to consciously correct it. “I hear that you didn’t realize it was showing. Going forward, I need you to actively monitor how you’re interacting with both kids and make sure you’re giving Michael the same warmth and patience you naturally show Sarah.”
At Seaside Staffing Company, we see several common patterns in favoritism. Some nannies prefer the easier child and show frustration with the one who has more challenges. Some prefer the child whose age or gender they’re most comfortable with. Some prefer the child who’s more affectionate or responsive to them. None of these are acceptable reasons for unequal treatment.
Consider whether your nanny has the skills to handle your more challenging child. Sometimes what looks like favoritism is actually a skill gap – they don’t know how to effectively manage a strong-willed four-year-old so they avoid or get frustrated with that child while gravitating toward the compliant two-year-old. If this is the case, training might help, but it’s also possible this nanny isn’t equipped for your family’s needs.
Pay attention to whether the favoritism is affecting sibling relationships. If your kids are starting to compete for the nanny’s attention or if the less-favored child is acting out to get notice, the favoritism is creating real damage. Children should feel equally cared for by the adults in their lives, and toxic dynamics need to be stopped immediately.
After addressing it, monitor closely for change. You should see immediate efforts to be more balanced – your nanny actively engaging with the less-favored child, using warmer tones, showing more patience. If nothing changes or if they backslide after a few days of trying, you’re dealing with someone who either can’t or won’t provide equal care to all your children.
Some nannies will improve dramatically once it’s been pointed out. They genuinely didn’t realize their preference was showing, and conscious awareness helps them correct. These are the keepers – people who can hear feedback, take it seriously, and adjust their behavior. The ones who get defensive, make excuses, or continue the pattern even after being addressed need to go.
Talk to your kids about the change you’re requiring. “I’ve talked to Nanny about making sure she treats both of you the same way. If you still feel like she likes your sister better, please tell me.” Don’t assume kids will volunteer this information – you need to actively check in and create safety for them to report ongoing problems.
Consider whether ROTA structure is part of the issue. If you have multiple ROTA nannies and one shows favoritism while others don’t, that makes it very clear the problem is with that specific person, not with your child being particularly difficult. It’s also easier to rotate someone out when you have backup coverage.
Some families address this by having different nannies focus on different children during ROTA rotations. Nanny A is primary for your older child while Nanny B is primary for your younger one, with both providing overall household coverage. This prevents favoritism from developing and ensures each child has a primary caregiver who’s focused on their needs.
Watch for whether the favoritism extends to advocacy and support. Does your nanny always take one child’s side in sibling conflicts? Do they excuse one child’s misbehavior while punishing the other child for the same thing? Unequal discipline and advocacy create deep resentment and teach children that fairness doesn’t exist.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we tell families that favoritism is grounds for termination if it doesn’t improve immediately after being addressed. You’re paying someone to provide quality care to all your children, and systematically making one child feel less valued is a fundamental failure of that responsibility. The emotional damage favoritism causes can last years beyond the nanny’s employment.
If you discover favoritism has been happening for a while, you might need to repair the damage with your kids. Talk to the less-favored child about how it wasn’t their fault, adults should treat all children well, and you’re fixing the problem. Consider whether they need additional support or reassurance to rebuild confidence that got damaged by feeling less liked.
The bottom line is that professional nannies should be capable of providing warm, patient, engaged care to all children in their care regardless of personal preference. Having an easier connection with one child is natural. Allowing that preference to show in ways that hurt the other child is unprofessional and unacceptable. Address it clearly, expect immediate improvement, and don’t hesitate to fire someone who can’t treat all your children equally.
