You have clear rules. No screens before homework is done. Snacks only at designated times. Outdoor shoes stay by the door. Bedtime routine starts at 7:30. But somehow when you come home, you discover your nanny has let all of these things slide. Your kids had their iPads all afternoon, there are goldfish crackers all over the couch, shoes are tracking dirt through the house, and bedtime won’t happen until 9 because nothing got started on time.
You confront your nanny and get some variation of “Well, they really wanted to watch TV” or “I didn’t think it would be a big deal just this once” or “They were being so good that I let them have a treat.” What you’re hearing is someone who thinks their judgment about when to enforce your rules is better than your actual rules, and who’s teaching your children that rules are negotiable based on who’s supervising them.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we see this dynamic destroy otherwise good nanny relationships in Washington DC families constantly. The nanny is great in many ways, the kids like them, parents want to make it work, but the undermining of household rules creates chaos and teaches kids that rules don’t really matter. Eventually parents get so frustrated by the inconsistency that they fire an otherwise decent childcare provider because they couldn’t do the basic job of enforcing rules.
The first question is whether your rules are actually clear. “Keep the house tidy” is vague and open to interpretation. “Shoes off at the door, toys put away before the next activity, and no food outside the kitchen” is specific and enforceable. If you’ve been general about expectations, your nanny might not be undermining rules so much as making different choices than you would about things you never specified.
Write down your household rules if you haven’t already. Keep them visible where your nanny can reference them. Cover the important stuff – screen time limits and times, food and snack rules, bedtime routines, behavior expectations, household care requirements. When rules are documented, your nanny can’t claim they forgot or didn’t realize something was important to you.
If you come home to find rules have been ignored, address it immediately. “I notice the kids were watching TV when we said no screens before dinner. What happened?” Give your nanny a chance to explain, but don’t accept vague justifications. Either there was a genuine reason to bend the rule – someone was sick, there was an emergency, a special circumstance you’d agreed to – or your nanny just decided not to follow it.
Pay attention to patterns. Everyone bends a rule occasionally in response to specific circumstances. That’s different from systematically ignoring rules because your nanny thinks they’re unnecessary or too strict. If screen time rules get broken every single day, that’s not accidents or special circumstances. That’s your nanny deciding they don’t agree with your rules and choosing not to enforce them.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we tell families to be very direct about the non-negotiable nature of household rules. “I understand you might not personally agree with all our household rules. You don’t have to agree with them. But you do have to enforce them consistently. If you feel like a rule needs to be bent for a legitimate reason, text me and ask first. Don’t just make the decision yourself.”
Some nannies undermine rules because they want kids to like them and saying no creates conflict. They’d rather be the fun, permissive caregiver than the one who enforces boundaries. This is fundamentally incompatible with good childcare. Your nanny’s job isn’t to be your kids’ friend – it’s to care for them appropriately, which includes enforcing rules even when kids don’t like it.
Watch for whether your nanny is actively teaching your kids to hide rule violations. “Don’t tell your parents we let bedtime slide” or “This can be our secret” or “Your mom doesn’t need to know we had extra screen time.” This is deeply problematic because it teaches children to deceive you and creates loyalty to the nanny over you. That’s grounds for immediate termination.
Talk to your kids about what happens when you’re not home. Don’t interrogate them or put them in the position of being informants, but ask general questions. “What did you do this afternoon? What did you have for snacks? When did you start your homework?” Kids will often casually reveal that rules aren’t being enforced without even realizing they’re telling you something important.
Consider whether your rules need adjustment based on practical realities. If your nanny consistently can’t maintain the rule about toys being cleaned up before the next activity when managing three kids under five, maybe that rule needs to be revised to be more realistic. But that’s a conversation you have together, not something your nanny decides unilaterally.
Give clear consequences for continued rule violations. “We’ve talked about screen time rules three times now, and they’re still not being followed consistently. If I come home to find kids on screens when they shouldn’t be one more time, we’re going to have a serious conversation about whether this position is working out.” Then actually follow through if it happens again.
Some families use cameras or monitoring to verify rules are being enforced. This feels invasive, but if you have serious concerns that your nanny is consistently lying about whether they’re following your rules, it might be necessary. Most nannies work harder to enforce rules when they know there’s visibility and accountability.
Pay attention to whether rule violations are harming your kids or household. Letting bedtime slide occasionally might not be a big deal. Consistently allowing bedtime to happen hours late so kids are exhausted and dysregulated is a bigger problem. Letting homework rules slide might just be annoying to you. Letting homework consistently not get done is affecting your child’s education. Scale your response to the actual impact.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we see families successfully resolve this by having regular check-ins about how things are going. “I’ve noticed bedtime has been happening later. What’s making it hard to stick to the 7:30 start time we discussed?” Sometimes this reveals legitimate challenges that need problem-solving. Other times it reveals your nanny just isn’t prioritizing what you’ve asked them to prioritize.
Be consistent about your own rule enforcement. If you let rules slide constantly when you’re home, your nanny will follow your actual example rather than your stated expectations. If you say no screens but then let kids watch TV whenever they ask, you’re teaching your nanny that the rule doesn’t really matter. Consistency from parents makes it easier for nannies to enforce rules.
Consider whether different rules apply when you’re home versus when your nanny is working. Some families are more flexible on weekends or when parents are present but want stricter routines during the week. That’s fine, but communicate it clearly so your nanny doesn’t think you’re being hypocritical about rules you expect them to enforce.
If you’ve been clear about rules, addressed violations multiple times, and they continue happening, you’re dealing with someone who either can’t or won’t do what you’re paying them to do. At that point it’s a performance issue that requires serious consequences up to and including termination. Your household shouldn’t be in chaos because your nanny doesn’t think your rules matter.
The goal is a nanny who implements your household structure and rules consistently whether you’re home or not, who asks when they’re genuinely unsure about how to handle something, and who respects that you get to decide how your household operates even if they would do things differently. That’s not asking too much – it’s basic professional childcare. If your nanny can’t provide that, find someone who can.
