“Well, the Johnson family lets their kids have screen time during meals.” “My last family did bedtime completely differently.” “Most families I’ve worked for are more relaxed about sugar.” Your nanny drops these comments casually, but the message is clear – other families do things better, smarter, or at least differently than you do, and maybe you should reconsider your approach based on what works in all these other, presumably superior households.
These comparisons feel like judgment wrapped in helpful observation. Your nanny might claim they’re just sharing what they’ve seen work well in other families, offering perspective from their extensive childcare experience. But what you’re hearing is subtle criticism of your parenting choices and the implication that you’re somehow getting it wrong compared to the families who do things the “right” way according to your nanny’s preferences.
The fundamental problem is that your nanny’s job is to implement your parenting approach, not to constantly hold it up against how other families operate and find it wanting. Mentioning other families’ choices occasionally as genuine information sharing is one thing. Repeatedly comparing you unfavorably to previous employers is unprofessional and inappropriate.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we see this pattern in Nashville families where nannies have worked for multiple households and develop strong opinions about whose approach was best. The nanny starts seeing themselves as the expert whose job is to guide families toward better parenting based on their accumulated observations rather than as support staff implementing each family’s unique preferences.
Address it directly the first time you notice the pattern. “I’ve noticed you frequently mention how other families handle things differently than we do. I’m sure you’re trying to be helpful, but it comes across as critical of our choices. We’re confident in our parenting approach, and we need you to implement it rather than comparing us to other families.” Clear, direct, not angry, but firm.
Pay attention to how your nanny responds. Do they immediately apologize and stop the comparisons? Or do they get defensive and insist they’re “just trying to help” and “sharing what works”? The response tells you whether they understood the boundary or whether they think their expertise entitles them to keep offering unsolicited comparisons.
Some nannies genuinely don’t realize how their comments land. They think they’re being helpful by sharing alternatives you might not have considered. When you point out that it feels like judgment, they’re genuinely surprised and willing to adjust. These are the keepers – people who can hear feedback and modify their behavior.
Other nannies really do think they know better than you because they’ve “seen so many different families” and yours doesn’t match up to their preferred approach. These nannies need stronger boundaries or they need to go work for a family whose parenting matches their ideals so they can stop being silently critical of yours.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we tell families that comparison comments are particularly problematic when they’re about things the nanny personally disagrees with. If your nanny thinks your screen time rules are too strict, they’ll reference the families who were “more relaxed about it.” If they think you’re too permissive about something, they’ll mention families who had “firmer boundaries.” The comparisons are strategic, not random.
Ask yourself whether the comparisons are genuinely helpful information or veiled criticism. If your nanny says “I worked for a family who used this specific product for diaper rash and it worked really well,” that’s useful information you can use or ignore. If your nanny says “Most families I’ve worked for don’t make such a big deal about organic food,” that’s criticism disguised as observation.
Watch for whether the comparisons undermine you in front of your kids. If your nanny is saying things like “Well, at the Smith house they got cookies after school” while your kids are listening, they’re actively teaching your children that your rules are arbitrary and other families are more permissive. That’s unacceptable and needs to stop immediately.
Consider whether your nanny is using comparisons to advocate for changes they want. Maybe they want easier screen time rules so childcare is simpler for them, so they keep mentioning families who “let kids have more tablet time.” Maybe they prefer earlier bedtimes so their evenings end sooner, so they reference families who “don’t keep kids up so late.” The comparisons might be self-serving rather than genuinely helpful.
Be especially firm if comparisons come up during conflicts or disagreements. “I understand the Martinez family did things differently, but I’m not interested in how they parented. I’m explaining how we want this handled in our home, and I need you to focus on that instead of referencing what worked in other households.” Shut it down in the moment so they know it’s not an effective arguing tactic.
Some nannies use comparisons to explain why they’re struggling with your approach. “I’ve never had trouble getting kids to nap before, but the families I worked for had different nap routines.” That might be legitimate – your approach might genuinely be harder to implement than what they’re used to. But it’s still their job to figure it out rather than implying you should change to match previous families.
Talk about what kind of feedback and suggestions you do welcome. “If you have ideas based on your experience that might help with specific challenges we’re facing, I’m open to hearing them. But please frame them as suggestions I can consider, not comparisons to other families that imply we’re doing things wrong. And if I say we want to stick with our current approach, please respect that without continuing to push alternatives.”
At Seaside Staffing Company, we encourage families to be clear that every household is unique and what works for one family might not work for another. Your nanny should be adapting to each family’s specific values, preferences, and children rather than trying to standardize all families to match whatever approach they personally prefer.
If the comparisons continue after you’ve addressed them, escalate consequences. “We talked about this, and you’re still frequently referencing how other families do things. This is the last time I’m going to ask you to stop. If it continues, we’ll need to seriously discuss whether this position is working out.” Then follow through if necessary.
Pay attention to whether the comparisons are affecting your confidence. Some parents start second-guessing their choices because their nanny keeps suggesting other families handled things differently. Don’t let your nanny’s opinions about what worked for other people override your own judgment about what’s right for your kids and family.
The bottom line is that your nanny needs to meet your family where you are, not where some previous family was or where the nanny wishes you would be. Occasional mentions of “I’ve seen families handle X this way with good results” can be helpful input. Constant comparisons that imply your approach is inferior to others’ are inappropriate and unprofessional. Set the boundary clearly and enforce it consistently.
