Drop-off has become a nightmare. Your toddler screams when you try to leave for work and clings to the nanny. Your five-year-old asks every night if the nanny will be there tomorrow. Your kids talk about the nanny constantly, prefer spending time with them over you, and have started calling them family nicknames that feel uncomfortably intimate. You wanted your children to feel safe and cared for with their nanny – but somewhere this crossed from healthy attachment into something that feels excessive.
This is one of the trickier dynamics in childcare because attachment isn’t inherently bad. You want your kids to like and trust their nanny. You want them to feel secure and happy when you’re not there. But when your child’s emotional regulation becomes dependent on the nanny’s presence, when separation triggers extreme distress, or when the attachment starts to feel more parent-like than caregiver-like, you’ve got a situation that needs adjustment.
The guilt hits hard because you know this happened on your watch. You hired someone wonderful who your kids bonded with, which was the goal. But now that bond feels so intense that it’s creating problems – for your kids’ emotional development, for your own relationship with your children, and potentially for the inevitable transition when this nanny eventually moves on. The attachment that felt like success now feels like a problem you don’t know how to solve.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we see this dynamic develop in San Francisco families where both parents work demanding jobs and nannies spend more waking hours with children than parents do. The attachment is predictable – kids attach to the people who are present and responsive. But when that attachment becomes anxious, exclusive, or interferes with healthy functioning, something needs to change.
First, distinguish between healthy attachment and problematic attachment. Healthy attachment means your child is comfortable with the nanny, cooperates reasonably well, and handles transitions without extreme distress. They like their nanny, they’re happy to see them, but they can also function when the nanny isn’t there. Problematic attachment means your child becomes dysregulated when separated from the nanny, refuses comfort from other caregivers including you, or seems unable to relax unless the nanny is present.
Look at what might be feeding the intense attachment. Is your nanny positioning themselves as the primary emotional support person and actively fostering dependence? Or is this normal bonding that’s intensified by the amount of time they spend together? Sometimes nannies unconsciously (or consciously) encourage excessive attachment because it feels validating and makes them feel irreplaceable.
Watch for whether your nanny is doing things that increase dependency beyond what’s developmentally appropriate. Rushing to comfort every minor upset before children have a chance to self-soothe. Inserting themselves into every interaction instead of allowing kids to play independently. Creating rituals or routines that only they can perform. These behaviors can create attachment that’s about the nanny’s emotional needs rather than what’s best for the kids.
Talk to your nanny about what you’re observing and what needs to change. “I’m noticing that Sarah is really struggling with goodbyes and seems very dependent on you being here. I need us to work on helping her develop more independence and comfort with other caregivers, including me. That might mean pulling back a bit on how immediately responsive you are and giving her more space to cope with minor frustrations on her own.”
This conversation is delicate because you’re not saying the nanny is doing anything wrong, but you are asking them to change their approach in ways that might feel counterintuitive. A good nanny will understand that fostering appropriate independence is part of healthy child development. A nanny who resists because they like being needed so intensely is revealing something problematic about their motivations.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we encourage families to actively work on building children’s attachment security across multiple caregivers rather than concentrating it all on one person. Make sure your kids have quality time with you, with other family members, with backup care providers. Ensure the nanny isn’t the only person who can successfully handle bedtime, mealtime, difficult moments, or emotional upset.
Increase your own availability and presence even if you can’t change your work hours. Quality matters more than quantity. Make the time you have with your kids focused, engaged, and emotionally present. Children attach to the people who consistently respond to their needs – if you’re physically present but emotionally distracted, the nanny will win by default simply by being more attuned.
Create rituals and routines that are yours with your children, not the nanny’s. Bedtime stories, weekend pancakes, bathtime songs – these should be parent-child connections that the nanny doesn’t replicate or replace. Your kids need to know there are special things they do with you that are different from what they do with the nanny.
Watch for whether the intense attachment is actually anxiety-based rather than healthy bonding. Kids who are insecurely attached often show intense clingy behavior that looks like attachment but is really dysregulation. If your child is extremely anxious without the nanny, that’s different from a healthy preference for their company. Anxiety-based attachment might need additional support beyond just adjusting boundaries.
Talk to your kids age-appropriately about caregiving relationships. “We love Nanny and she takes such good care of you. But she’s our helper, not part of our family. Her job is to take care of you while Mommy and Daddy are working.” Young kids need help understanding the difference between loving caregivers and family, between people who are permanent in their lives and people who might not be.
Be prepared for your nanny to struggle with pulling back from intense attachment. If their self-worth is wrapped up in being the person the kids can’t live without, creating healthier boundaries might threaten their sense of value. A professional caregiver will understand that their job is to help children thrive, which includes developing appropriate independence and security with multiple caregivers. A caregiver who needs to be the only important person in a child’s life has boundary issues.
Prepare for the fact that reducing intensity of attachment takes time and might cause temporary distress. Your child might cry more during transitions as you work on building their resilience. They might ask for the nanny during times when you’re present. This feels terrible, but it’s necessary if the current attachment dynamic isn’t healthy.
Consider whether you need backup care or additional caregivers to reduce the all-or-nothing dynamic. If one nanny is the only person besides you who ever cares for your kids, attachment can become too concentrated. Having occasional backup care or a nanny share arrangement can help kids learn that multiple trusted adults can meet their needs.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we tell families that some level of attachment is inevitable and healthy, but it should be attachment that supports children’s development rather than creating dependency or anxiety. The goal is children who love their nanny and feel secure with them but who can also handle separation, accept comfort from others, and don’t become dysregulated when routines change.
If you’ve addressed this with your nanny and the dynamic doesn’t improve – if they continue fostering intense dependency or if they resist your efforts to build healthier boundaries – you might need to consider whether this is the right long-term fit. As counterintuitive as it feels, sometimes the best thing for your kids is to transition to a caregiver who can provide excellent care without creating anxiety-inducing levels of attachment.
The reality is that nannies are temporary fixtures in children’s lives, even long-term nannies. Eventually they’ll move on, and your kids will need to handle that transition. Building healthy attachment that includes appropriate independence and security with multiple caregivers prepares your kids for that reality while also strengthening your own relationship with your children.
