Here’s a question that keeps parents up at night: “What if my child loves their nanny more than me?” And here’s what breaks our hearts at Seaside Nannies: watching amazing nannies hold back from forming deep connections with children because they’re worried about overstepping boundaries or making parents feel threatened.
The truth is, children have unlimited capacity for love. A strong bond with a nanny doesn’t diminish their love for parents; it actually helps children develop better attachment skills overall. But we get why this feels scary for families, and we understand why nannies sometimes feel like they’re walking a tightrope between being caring and being “too much.”
The best nannies know how to love children deeply while always supporting and celebrating the parent-child relationship. They understand that their job isn’t to replace parents but to create a wider circle of love and security that makes children feel more confident and secure in all their relationships.
Let’s talk about how this actually works and why getting it right benefits everyone, especially the kids.
Understanding Attachment vs. Competition
First, let’s clear something up: children forming attachments to their nannies is actually a good thing. It means they’re developing the ability to trust, connect, and feel secure with the important adults in their lives. This skill transfers to all their relationships and helps them become more emotionally healthy overall.
The problem isn’t attachment; it’s when boundaries get blurred or when nannies inadvertently position themselves as alternatives to parents rather than supports. Great nannies understand the difference between being deeply caring and being possessive or competitive.
Think of it this way: a child who feels loved and secure with their nanny is more likely to be confident, happy, and emotionally available when their parents come home. They’re not depleted from feeling anxious or insecure during the day; they’re filled up and ready to connect.
The “Holding” Role vs. The “Leading” Role
Skilled nannies understand that they play a “holding” role in children’s lives while parents play the “leading” role. They provide stability, consistency, and care that supports the family structure rather than competing with it.
This means they make decisions within the framework parents have established rather than creating their own rules or approaches. They support family values, routines, and goals rather than substituting their own preferences. They see themselves as extensions of parental care rather than independent authorities.
When children test boundaries or have big emotions, excellent nannies help them work through these feelings while always reinforcing parental authority and family expectations. They might comfort a child who’s upset about a family rule, but they don’t undermine the rule or position themselves as the “nicer” alternative to parents.
Building Connection Without Undermining
Children need to feel genuinely cared for by their nannies to feel secure and happy during the day. But this connection can be built in ways that strengthen rather than threaten family relationships.
Great nannies talk positively about parents throughout the day. They share excitement about parents coming home, help children prepare surprises for parents, and remind children of special things their parents do for them. They position themselves as part of the team that loves and cares for the child rather than as a separate relationship.
They also understand timing and transitions. They help children manage the emotional transition when parents leave and return, supporting children through separation anxiety while building excitement for reunions. They don’t make themselves the source of comfort for missing parents; instead, they help children feel connected to parents even when they’re apart.
When Children Prefer the Nanny
Sometimes children do express preferences for their nanny, especially during difficult phases or when they’re testing boundaries. This can be heartbreaking for parents, but skilled nannies know how to handle these moments without encouraging the preference or making it worse.
They don’t take these expressions personally or feel flattered by them. Instead, they gently redirect children toward appreciation for their parents while still maintaining their own caring relationship. They might say something like, “I can see you’re upset with Mommy right now, but she loves you so much and she’s the most important person in your world.”
The key is not rejecting the child’s feelings but helping them understand that being frustrated with parents doesn’t mean the nanny relationship is more important or better.
Supporting Parent Confidence
One of the most valuable things nannies can do is actively support parental confidence rather than inadvertently undermining it. This means sharing positive observations about parent-child interactions, highlighting parents’ strengths, and helping parents feel successful in their roles.
When parents feel confident and supported, they’re more relaxed about the nanny relationship and more able to appreciate the benefits their child receives from having additional loving adults in their life.
Great nannies also understand that every family has their own style and approach, and they adapt to support that rather than trying to impose their own ideas about what’s best for children.
Communication That Builds Trust
Open, honest communication between nannies and parents is crucial for managing attachment concerns. This means nannies sharing both wonderful moments and challenges from their day, being transparent about their approaches and decision-making, and actively seeking parental input about important matters.
It also means parents feeling comfortable expressing any concerns or insecurities about the nanny relationship without feeling like they’re being unreasonable or controlling.
Regular check-ins about how the relationship is working for everyone help prevent small concerns from becoming big problems and ensure that everyone feels valued and secure in their roles.
Age-Appropriate Attachment
How nannies manage attachment looks different depending on children’s ages and developmental stages. With infants and toddlers, the focus is on providing consistent, responsive care that helps children feel secure while regularly reinforcing connections to parents.
With older children, nannies can have more explicit conversations about family roles and relationships while still maintaining close, caring bonds. They can help children understand that having multiple caring adults is a gift while parents remain the most important people in their lives.
The Benefits of Secure Nanny Attachment
When children feel securely attached to their nannies within appropriate boundaries, everyone benefits. Children develop better emotional regulation, more confidence in relationships, and greater ability to trust and connect with others.
Parents can focus on work or other responsibilities knowing their children are not just safe but emotionally nourished. And nannies can do their best work when they feel free to love and care for children without worrying about crossing boundaries.
Seaside Nannies’ Approach to Healthy Attachment
At Seaside Nannies, we help both families and nannies navigate this delicate balance from the beginning. We look for nannies who understand the importance of supporting parent-child relationships while forming genuine connections with children.
We also help families understand that strong nanny attachments are signs of quality care rather than threats to family relationships. We encourage open communication about attachment concerns and provide guidance about how to maintain healthy boundaries while allowing for genuine care and connection.
The families who understand this balance often develop long-term relationships with nannies who become treasured parts of their extended family while always maintaining clear roles and boundaries.
When attachment is handled thoughtfully, children grow up feeling abundantly loved and supported while maintaining strong primary attachments to their parents. They develop excellent relationship skills and emotional security that serves them throughout their lives.
The goal isn’t limiting love or connection; it’s channeling it in ways that support healthy family dynamics and help everyone thrive in their important roles in the child’s life.
