The former employer says all the right things. “She was wonderful with our children. Very reliable. We were sad to see her go.” But something in the tone feels flat, the praise feels generic, and when you ask specific questions about her strengths or what made her exceptional, the answers are vague and brief. There’s no enthusiasm, no specific examples, no spontaneous stories about moments that demonstrated her excellence. Experienced nannies and newborn care specialists listening to this reference check hear something the family probably didn’t intend to communicate: this was adequate employee at best, possibly problematic employee they’re giving neutral reference to rather than honest assessment. The words say “wonderful” but everything else says “we’re being polite but we wouldn’t hire her again.” If you’re skilled at reading between lines, this reference just told you everything you need to know about whether to accept this position or whether to take this candidate.
Reference checking is art as much as science, and what former employers don’t say often matters more than what they do say. The tone, the specificity, the enthusiasm or lack thereof, the way they respond to probing questions, all of it tells story that the actual words might obscure. We’ve been placing household staff in Miami and across markets for over twenty years and we’ve conducted thousands of reference checks. We’ve learned to hear what’s really being communicated rather than just transcribing what’s being said. Let’s talk about how to decode reference calls, what specific signals matter more than others, what red flags appear in otherwise positive references, and how both families hiring and candidates providing references can navigate this crucial piece of the employment process.
What Enthusiastic References Sound Like
Former employer who genuinely valued their nanny and would hire her again in a heartbeat communicates enthusiasm that’s impossible to fake. They light up when talking about her. Their voice conveys genuine warmth and appreciation. They volunteer information before you ask. They want to tell you how great she is, they’re not waiting for you to pull information from them. The praise is specific and detailed. Instead of “she was great with kids,” you hear “she had this incredible way of redirecting my toddler when he was frustrated, and within a month his tantrums decreased dramatically because she taught him emotional regulation strategies that actually worked.”
They provide spontaneous examples. “Oh, I remember this time when…” stories come naturally because they have vivid memories of her excellence in action. Generic praise is harder to remember and illustrate. Real excellence creates specific memorable moments. They describe her impact on their family in concrete terms. “Our mornings went from chaos to smooth within two weeks of her starting. She created systems that still work for us even though she’s been gone six months.” Quantifiable improvements or lasting changes demonstrate real value. They express genuine regret about losing her. “We tried everything to keep her but she was relocating for family reasons. I would hire her back immediately if circumstances changed.” Real appreciation includes acknowledgment of loss when she left.
They’re generous with their time and willing to talk as long as you need. Employers who genuinely valued their nanny want her to succeed in her next position, so they invest time in thorough reference. They get defensive on her behalf if you probe about potential concerns. “Oh, absolutely not, she never struggled with that. In fact, she was especially good at…” This protective instinct signals genuine respect and appreciation. They offer to stay in touch or be resource if you hire her. “Please feel free to call me anytime if questions come up. I’m happy to help however I can.” This ongoing support commitment signals depth of their regard for her.
What Lukewarm References Reveal
When former employer is polite but unenthusiastic, they’re giving minimum professional courtesy reference rather than genuine endorsement. The praise is generic and could apply to anyone. “She was fine. Professional. Got the job done.” Nothing specific, nothing memorable, nothing that distinguishes her from any other adequate employee. Responses to questions are brief and surface-level. When you ask “What were her greatest strengths?” you get one-word answers or vague generalities. “Reliable. Good with kids.” No elaboration, no examples, no depth.
There’s noticeable pause or hesitation before answering questions, especially specific ones. The pauses suggest they’re carefully crafting diplomatic responses rather than spontaneously sharing genuine assessment. They stick carefully to job performance and avoid any personal connection. “She completed her duties satisfactorily. The children were well cared for.” Nothing about personality, warmth, impact on family life. This emotional distance suggests relationship was purely transactional at best or strained at worst. They can’t remember or won’t share specific examples when pressed. “I’m sure she handled situations well but I can’t think of particular instance right now.” Either they barely remember her or they’re avoiding specifics that might reveal problems.
They subtly redirect when you ask about rehiring. “Our childcare needs have changed” or “We’re not planning to need help in foreseeable future” rather than “I’d hire her again in a heartbeat.” They’re dodging the question because honest answer is no but they don’t want to explicitly say that. They end the call quickly and don’t offer ongoing contact. Getting off the phone efficiently suggests they’re completing obligation but have no investment in her future success. The reference feels like they’re checking box rather than enthusiastically recommending someone they valued.
The Red Flags in “Positive” References
Damning with faint praise is classic technique. “She certainly tried hard” or “She never gave us major problems” or “The children didn’t complain about her.” These sound vaguely positive but actually communicate inadequacy. Competent professionals don’t just try hard or avoid major problems, they excel. Qualified statements that add caveats to any praise are warning signs. “She was good with the kids when she was focused” or “She generally followed instructions unless she was having personal issues.” The qualifiers reveal significant problems masked by polite framing.
Emphasis on basic requirements as if they’re noteworthy achievements suggests low bar. “She showed up on time most days” or “She didn’t have many call-outs compared to some nannies we’ve had.” Punctuality and reliability should be baseline, not highlighted accomplishments. If that’s the best they can say, actual performance was below standard. Shifting to talk about personal qualities rather than professional performance often signals they can’t give strong professional reference. “She’s a very nice person” or “She has a good heart” tells you nothing about professional capability and suggests that’s the best they can offer.
Excessive focus on explaining departure rather than celebrating tenure suggests problematic employment that they’re trying to frame neutrally. When more time is spent on why she left than on what she accomplished while there, something was wrong with the relationship. Unwillingness to address specific areas of concern when you probe tells you those are exactly the areas where problems existed. If you ask about reliability and they quickly change subject, reliability was issue. If you ask about following instructions and they get vague, that was problem area. Their avoidance confirms your suspicions.
Comparing her to problematic previous employees suggests their standards are low. “She was so much better than the nanny we had before who was terrible.” Okay, but was she actually good or just less bad than someone awful? This comparison tells you nothing useful about her absolute quality. Mentioning that they’re still looking for the right fit or that they’ve had turnover since suggests she wasn’t the solution to their childcare needs and they’re still searching. If she’d been excellent, they’d have tried harder to keep her or they’d have easily replaced her with someone of similar quality.
What Questions Reveal Most
“Would you hire her again without hesitation?” is most useful question because it cuts through diplomatic wording. Enthusiastic yes means strong endorsement. Hesitation, qualification, or redirect means no even if they don’t explicitly say it. “What were the circumstances of her departure?” reveals whether she left for positive reasons like relocation or career growth versus being terminated or leaving due to problems. How they frame the separation tells you about the relationship’s health at end.
“Can you give me specific example of time she went above and beyond?” tests whether they have real positive memories versus generic impressions. Inability to provide specific example suggests either poor performance or barely-remembered employee. “What would you say were areas where she could have been stronger?” assesses their willingness to be honest versus entirely diplomatic. Good references often include minor areas for growth that demonstrate balanced assessment. Complete unwillingness to identify any areas for improvement suggests either perfect employee (rare) or reference-giver who won’t be honest with you.
“How did she handle [specific situation relevant to your needs]?” provides insight into how she’d perform in your specific context. “How did she manage multiple children with different needs?” or “How did she handle your irregular schedule?” or “How did she respond when children were sick?” These targeted questions get at capability in areas that matter to you. “What made her stand out from other childcare providers you’ve worked with?” forces comparative assessment rather than absolute judgment. Outstanding employees have distinguishing characteristics. Generic employees don’t stand out. The answer tells you which category she falls into.
“Is there anything I haven’t asked that you think I should know?” gives them opening to share information they think is relevant that your questions didn’t cover. Sometimes the most important information comes in response to this open-ended invitation.
How to Give References as Employer
Be generous with your time and enthusiasm if you genuinely valued your employee. She helped you and your family significantly, repay that by investing in thorough positive reference that helps her secure good next position. Be specific in your praise. Instead of “she was great with kids,” share specific examples of her excellence in action. Specific praise is more credible and more useful to prospective employers than generic statements. Be honest about areas for growth without being destructive. “She’s still developing her skills with infant care, her expertise is really with school-age children” helps place her appropriately without damaging her prospects. Balanced assessment is more credible than exclusively positive or negative framing.
Communicate clearly about circumstances of departure. If she left for good reasons like relocation or career change, say so. If employment ended for problematic reasons but you’re willing to give neutral reference, be diplomatically neutral without lying. Answer the rehiring question honestly. If you’d hire her again enthusiastically, say so. If you wouldn’t, you can say “our needs have changed” without elaborating but don’t say you’d hire her again if that’s not true. Lying in references hurts everyone including future families who hire based on false information.
If you can’t give positive reference, consider whether you should give reference at all. Sometimes “I’m not comfortable serving as reference” is kinder and more honest than polite dishonest reference. Warn employee if you can’t give good reference so she doesn’t use you as reference unknowingly. Respect confidentiality even in reference calls. You can discuss job performance without sharing private family information or inappropriate details about employee’s personal life. Focus on professional assessment, not personal gossip.
How to Provide References as Candidate
Choose references who will give you enthusiastic positive endorsement, not just anyone you worked for. One glowing reference is worth more than three lukewarm ones. Prepare your references by reminding them of specific accomplishments and asking if they’d be willing to serve as strong reference. This both refreshes their memory and gives them opportunity to decline if they can’t be enthusiastic. Provide references with context about position you’re applying for so they can tailor their comments to what prospective employer needs to know. Don’t use references who might give lukewarm or negative assessment. It’s better to explain gap in employment history than to have former employer damage your chances with unenthusiastic reference.
If you left position under problematic circumstances, address it honestly rather than hoping it won’t come up in reference check. “My previous employer and I had different approaches to childcare and we mutually agreed to part ways. I learned a lot from that experience about ensuring alignment before accepting positions” frames departure honestly without being defensive. Check in with your references periodically to maintain relationship and to let them know when you’re job searching so reference calls aren’t surprise. Fresh positive relationship yields better references than calling on someone you haven’t spoken to in two years.
For Candidates Listening to Their Own References
If you’re present during your reference check or if you get feedback about how it went, pay attention to what you’re hearing. Lukewarm references are red flag that your perception of that employment relationship doesn’t match former employer’s perception. If reference isn’t as positive as you expected, consider whether you should use different references or whether you need to address that relationship directly before using them. Sometimes reaching out to former employer to discuss their concerns can improve reference quality if misunderstandings can be resolved.
Patterns across multiple references tell you about your professional reputation. If multiple former employers mention same strengths or same areas for growth, that’s consistent feedback that’s probably accurate. Use it to understand how you’re perceived professionally and where you might want to develop.
The Art of Reading Between Lines
After twenty years placing household staff across Miami and everywhere else, we’ve learned that reference checking is subtle skill requiring attention to tone, specificity, enthusiasm, and what’s not said as much as what is said. The references that seem perfectly positive on surface often reveal significant concerns through lack of specificity, absence of enthusiasm, or careful diplomatic framing. The genuinely excellent references are unmistakable, they radiate authentic appreciation and they provide specific detailed assessment that comes from real positive experience. For families hiring household staff, invest time in reference checks and listen carefully to what you’re hearing beyond the words. For candidates, choose your references carefully and maintain relationships that will yield genuinely positive endorsements. And for former employers, be generous and specific in supporting employees who served you well, be honest about employees who didn’t, and recognize that your reference significantly affects someone’s career trajectory. The few minutes you spend on reference call might determine whether excellent nanny finds the right next position or whether problematic employee continues pattern of inadequate performance. Take the responsibility seriously and communicate honestly while being kind.
