The playroom looks like a bomb went off. Your nanny has been sitting in it for eight hours. Didn’t occur to them to tidy up because you didn’t specifically say “clean the playroom today.” The diaper bag is completely empty but your nanny didn’t restock it because that wasn’t on today’s task list. Your kids are bored out of their minds asking for something to do, and your nanny is just… waiting for you to suggest activities instead of thinking of anything themselves.
You didn’t hire help. You hired someone who needs constant direction for every single thing.
This is exhausting in a way that’s hard to explain if you haven’t lived it. The whole point of paying someone for childcare is reducing your mental load. But when they can’t think ahead, can’t anticipate needs, can’t take any initiative beyond exactly what you explicitly told them to do, you end up working harder than if you just handled everything yourself. You’re not getting support – you’re directing someone who brings zero independent judgment to their job.
Some people genuinely don’t understand the difference between “doing a job” and “following instructions.” They think their role is completing assigned tasks and that’s it. Taking initiative beyond what you explicitly said feels like overstepping to them. They’re not being lazy – they literally don’t understand that part of their job is noticing what needs to be done and doing it.
We see this in New York families all the time. They hire what they think is an experienced nanny, expect professional-level judgment, and discover they’ve got someone treating childcare like an entry-level job where you wait to be told everything. The city is expensive so some people take nanny jobs even though they don’t have the right mindset for independent household work.
Start by being very explicit. “I need you to look around at what needs doing and do it without me assigning every task. Playroom’s messy? Clean it. Supplies running low? Restock them. Kids are bored? Engage them with activities. Part of your job is using your judgment about what’s needed and handling it.” Some nannies genuinely didn’t realize this was expected and will step up once they know.
Give specific examples. “Yesterday the kids’ water bottles were sitting empty by the sink. I needed you to wash and refill them, not leave them for me to deal with when I got home.” Or “When you noticed we were out of snacks, I needed you to either buy more or at least text me. Waiting until I discovered it myself wasn’t helpful.” Concrete examples make it clearer.
At Seaside, we help families distinguish between initiative that requires knowing family preferences versus initiative any childcare professional should take. Restocking diapers when they’re running low isn’t overstepping – it’s basic competence. Deciding to sign the kids up for a new class without asking IS overstepping. Your nanny needs to understand the difference.
Figure out if this is truly “waiting to be told” versus “doesn’t know what to do.” If they’re new to your household, they might not know your routines well enough yet to take initiative confidently. That’s different from someone who’s been with you for months and still can’t figure out dirty dishes go in the dishwasher without being told every single time.
Some nannies wait for permission because previous employers micromanaged the hell out of them and got mad when they did anything without asking. If your nanny’s been trained by past jobs to never take initiative, you might need to explicitly give them permission. “I want you to use your judgment. If you’re unsure about something major, ask. But for day-to-day stuff, I trust you to figure it out.”
But also – professional adults shouldn’t need elaborate management systems just to remember what they committed to doing. If you’re creating tracking spreadsheets and reminder systems just to get basic follow-through, you’re working harder than they are. That defeats the whole purpose of having help.
Watch if lack of initiative is across the board or specific areas. Maybe they’re great at planning activities but terrible at noticing household tasks need doing. That tells you where to focus coaching and whether the gaps are fixable.
Try building initiative gradually. Start with a daily checklist that includes “look for anything else that needs attention and handle it.” Creates explicit permission to use judgment while making it clear proactive thinking is part of the job. As they get more comfortable, reduce the structure.
Some families frame it as problem-solving. “Your job isn’t completing tasks – it’s solving problems that come up during the day. When you notice something isn’t working or something is needed, I expect you to address it.” Might help reframe the role from task-completer to problem-solver.
At Seaside, we tell families that professional childcare requires thinking ahead, anticipating needs, and handling routine issues independently. Someone who only follows explicit instructions might be fine for basic babysitting, but they’re not equipped for full-time family assistant or nanny roles where independent judgment is essential.
Be realistic about whether this is trainable or if you’ve hired someone who fundamentally doesn’t have the initiative you need. Some people can learn to be more proactive with coaching. Others will never develop that skill because it requires a level of executive function they don’t have.
If you’ve been clear about expectations, given examples and support, and nothing changes, acknowledge this person isn’t the right fit. “I’ve explained multiple times that I need you to use your judgment and take initiative on routine stuff. You’re still waiting to be told what to do for things that should be obvious. This isn’t working and I need someone who can work more independently.”
Think about whether lack of initiative is making your life harder instead of easier. If you’re spending more time directing and managing than you would just doing things yourself, this employment relationship isn’t functional. The whole point of paying someone is reducing your load, not increasing it.
Maybe there are areas where they DO show initiative and you can focus their role there while accepting they won’t be proactive elsewhere. Maybe they’re great at activity planning and engaging with kids but terrible at household task management. You could hire someone else for household stuff and let your nanny focus on direct childcare where they’re stronger.
The goal is either developing their ability to think independently and take initiative, or recognizing they don’t have these skills and making a change. Professional childcare requires more than showing up and following directions – it requires judgment, problem-solving, and proactive thinking. If your nanny can’t provide that, they’re not equipped for this work.
