Your parent died last week and you’re back at work after three days off because that’s all you could afford to take or all your employer family could accommodate. You’re supposed to be engaging cheerfully with the kids you care for while your own grief is overwhelming. You’re maintaining professional composure while internally you’re shattered. And you’re discovering that working with children through your own profound loss creates complicated dynamics you didn’t anticipate.
Or maybe you experienced miscarriage, or your partner left, or you lost a close friend, or your beloved pet died – losses that might seem less significant to others but that are genuinely devastating to you. You’re trying to show up for work and do your job competently while processing pain that makes everything harder. You’re uncertain what to tell your employer family, whether they’ll be supportive or whether showing your grief will make them see you as unreliable.
After twenty years working with nannies across New York and nationwide, we’ve watched many navigate continuing childcare work through profound grief. Some employers were compassionate and supportive. Others were cold or dismissive. Some nannies found that work provided helpful structure during devastating periods. Others discovered they couldn’t actually provide good childcare while grieving and needed more time than they initially thought.
What to Tell Employer Families
One of the first questions when you experience loss is what and how much to tell your employer family about what you’re going through.
For major losses – death of immediate family member, miscarriage, significant relationship ending – you need to tell your employers something because your grief will affect your work whether you want it to or not. You can’t hide that level of pain completely and attempting to creates additional stress.
Brief honest communication works best. “My mother died this week and I’m grieving. I wanted you to know because I might not be quite myself for a while.” You’re acknowledging the reality without providing extensive detail or asking for specific accommodation beyond basic understanding.
For losses that are profoundly affecting you but might seem less significant to others, use your judgment about disclosure. If your cat died and you’re devastated because that cat was your primary companion for fifteen years, you might simply say “I experienced a personal loss recently and I’m processing some grief.” You don’t owe detailed explanations of what happened or justifications for why it’s affecting you significantly.
The goal is giving employers context for why your energy or emotional availability might be different without making your grief their responsibility to manage. You’re informing them, not asking them to help you process loss or expecting them to take care of your feelings.
Some families respond beautifully – they offer genuine condolences, they give you grace for being slightly less than your usual self, they ask what would help. Others respond awkwardly or dismissively because they’re uncomfortable with death and grief. You can’t control their reactions, but you can control how much space you give grief in your professional relationships.
Managing Reduced Capacity
Grief depletes your capacity in ways that make every aspect of work harder. You’re more tired, less patient, slower to process information, and less emotionally available. Acknowledging this honestly helps you protect both yourself and the children you care for.
You might need to simplify your approach temporarily. Activities that required extensive planning and energy might need to be replaced with simpler alternatives. Elaborate craft projects can become simpler play. Challenging behavioral interventions might need to be more basic than your usual sophisticated approaches. You’re doing what you can rather than what you usually do, and that’s appropriate during grief.
Be honest with yourself about whether you can actually provide safe adequate care. If grief has you so depleted that you’re not able to track kids’ safety properly or respond to their needs appropriately, you might need more time off even if it’s financially difficult or professionally complicated. Your responsibility to keep kids safe doesn’t disappear because you’re grieving.
Watch for signs you’re not functioning well enough to work. If you’re dissociating regularly, if you’re having intrusive thoughts that prevent you from focusing on kids, if you’re snapping at children or providing care that’s significantly below your normal standard, those are signals you need more time or support to be able to work competently.
Some grief is profound enough that continuing work immediately isn’t realistic. If you lost a child, if someone died traumatically, if you’re dealing with complicated grief that’s truly incapacitating, taking extended leave might be necessary even though it creates financial and professional challenges.
When Work Provides Structure
For some people during some types of loss, continuing work provides valuable structure and purpose during periods when everything else feels meaningless.
Having somewhere you need to be and tasks you need to complete prevents you from spending all day in bed unable to function. The kids need care regardless of your grief, and meeting those needs gives you purpose beyond just surviving your own pain. Childcare work is fundamentally about nurturing and connection, which can be meaningful during periods when you’re processing loss.
The kids you care for probably have no idea what you’re going through, and maintaining normalcy for them creates small space where grief isn’t consuming everything. You’re still capable of making their lunch and reading them stories and facilitating their play even when nothing else in your life feels manageable. That competence in one area can help when you feel completely lost in others.
Work also enforces basic self-care you might otherwise skip. You have to get dressed, leave your house, eat food, and maintain basic functionality because you’re responsible for children. Without work obligations, grief sometimes means ceasing to take care of yourself at all.
The routine and predictability of childcare can be grounding when your world feels completely upended. Kids need the same things every day regardless of what else is happening. There’s something stabilizing about that continuity during grief that makes everything feel temporary and unreal.
When Work Makes Everything Worse
For other people or different types of loss, trying to work through grief makes everything harder without providing any of the benefits of structure and purpose.
Being “on” for children all day when you’re barely holding yourself together is exhausting in ways that depletes you further. You’re using all your energy maintaining professional composure and you have nothing left for processing your own grief. Coming home after a full day of childcare means collapsing rather than doing any of the grief work you actually need.
Kids pick up on your emotional state even when you think you’re hiding it well. They might become anxious or clingy or act out because they sense something’s wrong with you. Managing their reactions to your grief on top of managing your own feelings creates impossible emotional load.
The forced cheerfulness that childcare requires can feel absolutely soul-crushing when you’re grieving. You’re supposed to be playful and engaged and attuned to kids’ emotions while your own emotions are overwhelming. The dissonance between what you’re feeling and what you’re required to project is sometimes intolerable.
Parents also sometimes respond to your grief by being less patient or supportive than usual. They need you to be “normal nanny” and your grief disrupts that. Some families become cold or critical when they notice your reduced capacity, which adds stress when you’re already struggling.
If work is making your grief significantly harder rather than providing any helpful structure, you might need to take time off even if that creates problems. Sometimes the only way to process profound loss is stopping everything else and giving yourself space to fall apart temporarily.
Dealing With Kids’ Questions
Kids notice when the adults around them are sad, and they ask questions that can be difficult to navigate when you’re the one grieving.
If kids ask why you seem sad or different, honest age-appropriate responses work better than pretending everything’s fine. “I’m sad because someone I love died. Sometimes grown-ups have big sad feelings too, and I’m feeling that right now.” You’re validating their observation without making your grief their responsibility.
Don’t overshare details of your loss or use kids as emotional support. They don’t need to know specifics about who died or how or the ways you’re processing it. They need reassurance that your sadness isn’t about them and that you’re still able to take care of them even though you’re sad.
If kids become anxious about your grief – worrying that you’re going to leave or that they did something wrong – address those concerns directly. “I’m sad about something in my own life, but I still care about you very much and I’m going to keep taking good care of you.”
Some kids respond to adult grief by becoming more caregiving themselves. They might try to cheer you up or take care of you or behave extra well to not add to your burden. While this is sweet, redirect gently so they don’t take on responsibility for managing adult emotions. “That’s very kind of you to think about my feelings. You don’t need to take care of me though – it’s my job to take care of you.”
Whether Families Will Support You
The hardest uncertainty about grieving while nannying is not knowing whether your employer family will respond with compassion or whether showing your humanity will damage their perception of you as reliable employee.
Some families are genuinely compassionate. They give you space to be slightly less than perfect temporarily. They explicitly tell you they understand you’re going through hard time. They offer flexibility with schedule or time off beyond what contract requires. They treat you like whole person whose life includes pain and loss, not just a childcare function.
These families understand that supporting employees through difficult times builds loyalty and long-term relationships. They recognize that everyone experiences loss eventually and responding with basic human kindness is both ethical and practically beneficial for maintaining good working relationships.
Other families are cold or dismissive. They make it clear they expect you to leave personal issues at the door and perform your job without any visible impact from your grief. They’re uncomfortable with your pain and they want you to hide it. They might even penalize you subtly for being less available or energetic than usual.
These families see nannies as service providers rather than human beings, and they’re unwilling to accommodate normal life circumstances that affect everyone eventually. Working for these families through grief teaches you something valuable about their character and whether these are people worth maintaining long-term professional relationships with.
You won’t know which type of family you work for until you experience loss and see how they respond. Their reaction gives you important information about whether these are employers worth staying with long-term.
Protecting Your Grief From Family Demands
Even when families are generally supportive, you need to protect your grief from becoming something they feel entitled to manage or discuss.
Don’t share more than you’re comfortable with. If family asks questions about your loss that feel intrusive, it’s okay to keep some privacy. “I appreciate your concern. It’s a difficult time but I’m managing.” You’re acknowledging their interest without opening yourself completely to their curiosity.
If family members try to give unsolicited advice about grief or tell you how you should be processing, set boundaries politely. “I appreciate you thinking about me. I have support for what I’m going through.” You don’t need to accept their help or guidance unless you want it.
Watch for family members who want to make your grief about themselves – telling you extensive stories about their own losses, using your pain as opportunity to bond inappropriately, or expecting you to comfort them about your situation. Your job is caring for their children, not managing their feelings about your grief.
Also be cautious about families who use your grief to exploit your vulnerability. Some employers might use the fact that you’re going through hard time to pressure you into accepting poor treatment or inadequate compensation because they assume you’re desperate and won’t push back. Grief doesn’t negate your worth or your right to professional treatment.
When Grief Requires More Time
Sometimes you initially think you can manage working through grief and then you realize you actually need more time than you took initially. This is difficult to navigate but sometimes necessary.
If you’re not functioning safely or adequately after returning to work, address it honestly with families. “I returned to work thinking I could manage, but I’m realizing I need additional time to process my loss. I’d like to take another week off.” This might create problems for families but it’s more responsible than providing inadequate care because you’re not actually okay.
Some losses are profound enough that you need weeks or months rather than days. If you lost a child, if someone died under traumatic circumstances, if grief is triggering mental health crises, extended leave might be medically necessary even though it threatens your employment.
Understand that families might not be able to accommodate extended unpaid leave and they might need to hire someone else. This doesn’t mean they’re unsupportive – it means they have genuine childcare needs that can’t wait indefinitely. Protecting yourself might mean losing this position, and that’s sometimes the necessary cost of taking care of your mental health.
The Bottom Line
Continuing childcare work through grief is complicated because the work requires emotional availability and energy that grief depletes. Some people find work provides helpful structure. Others discover it makes everything worse. Most people experience combination depending on the day and the severity of loss.
What’s universal is that grief changes your capacity temporarily and you need to acknowledge that honestly rather than trying to power through without any accommodation for what you’re experiencing. You can’t maintain the same standard of work while processing profound loss, and families who expect that are being unreasonable.
After twenty years in this field, we know that families’ responses to nanny grief reveal their character in ways that normal operations don’t. Employers who treat staff with compassion during difficult times are worth keeping long-term. Employers who are cold or dismissive when you experience loss are showing you they don’t see you as fully human, and that’s valuable information about whether these are relationships worth maintaining.
Take care of yourself. Acknowledge your reduced capacity honestly. Protect your grief from becoming something your employer families feel entitled to manage. And if working through loss is genuinely making everything worse rather than providing helpful structure, give yourself permission to take the time you actually need even when it’s professionally complicated. Your grief matters and your humanity doesn’t disappear because you’re employed to care for someone else’s children.
