Try telling your family assistant the grocery shopping didn’t get done on time. Watch what happens. They’ll immediately start explaining why it wasn’t their fault – traffic, the kids, they didn’t have the list early enough, whatever. Suggest they try organizing the kids’ activities differently and you’ll get either visible upset or a lecture about why their way is actually better. Any feedback about their job turns into them defending themselves instead of just hearing what you’re saying and maybe adjusting.
It makes managing them basically impossible. You need people to hear feedback and actually do something with it. When everything turns into a debate or an excuse session, nothing improves. So you either stop giving feedback because it’s exhausting, or you keep having the same useless conversation over and over.
The defensive thing usually comes from somewhere. Maybe they’re worried any criticism means they’re getting fired. Maybe they’re perfectionists who can’t handle not being great at everything. Maybe their last job was brutal and feedback always meant they were in trouble. Doesn’t really matter why – understanding it doesn’t make it okay, but it might help you figure out how to get through to them.
We see this constantly with San Francisco families where everything costs too much and household staff are already stressed about affording to stay here. When you’re barely making rent work, any feedback can sound like “you’re about to lose your income.” Doesn’t make the defensiveness acceptable, but it explains some of it.
First thing – check how you’re giving feedback. Are you being direct but not mean? Talking about specific things they did, not attacking their character? Mentioning what they do well along with what needs work? If you’re harsh or vague or only ever critical, yeah, they might get defensive. But even if you could be better at delivering feedback, a professional should still be able to hear it without losing their shit.
Try calling out the pattern directly. “Every time I mention something that needs to change, you immediately get defensive and explain why it’s not your fault. We need to be able to talk about what’s working and what isn’t without it turning into an argument. What’s making feedback so hard for you?” Sometimes naming the thing creates space to actually deal with it.
Listen to what they say. Maybe they had a nightmare employer who constantly criticized them and they’re still recovering from that. Maybe they’re dealing with personal stress that’s making them reactive to everything. Maybe they genuinely don’t get the difference between feedback and personal attack. Their answer helps you figure out if this is fixable or if you’re dealing with someone who just can’t handle normal workplace criticism.
At Seaside, we coach families to separate the feedback from the reaction. “I’m going to share something, and I need you to just listen without immediately defending yourself. You can think about it and we can discuss your perspective later, but first you need to actually hear what I’m saying.” Creates a pause between what you say and their defensive spiral.
Some people need processing time. If your family assistant melts down when you give feedback in the moment, try warning them in advance. “I’d like to talk through some things about how this week went. Can we set aside time tomorrow morning?” Gives them a chance to prepare emotionally instead of being blindsided and immediately reactive.
Watch if the defensiveness is about everything or just certain topics. If they can hear feedback about scheduling fine but lose it over childcare approaches, that tells you where their buttons are. You can be more careful about how you phrase feedback in sensitive areas while being more blunt about stuff they’re less fragile about.
Think about whether you’re giving too much feedback. If every interaction includes some kind of correction or suggestion, your family assistant probably feels like they can’t do anything right. Constant criticism makes people defensive because they’re demoralized. Make sure you’re also saying what’s working well and that feedback isn’t just a constant stream.
Pay attention to what happens after the defensive reaction. Do they calm down eventually and actually implement the feedback? Or do they stay mad and nothing ever changes? Someone who reacts badly in the moment but then actually adjusts their behavior is way more salvageable than someone who stays defensive forever and never improves.
Some family assistants use defensiveness as a strategy. If making you uncomfortable every time you try to address something eventually makes you stop addressing things, they’ve successfully trained you not to give them feedback. If that’s what’s happening, recognize the manipulation and refuse to play along.
Be clear about what you actually need. “Part of any job is hearing feedback about your performance. I need you to be able to listen to constructive criticism without getting defensive or turning it into an argument. That’s not optional – it’s basic professional behavior. If you can’t do that, this isn’t going to work out.” Direct. Clear. Consequences outlined.
We’ve seen families successfully work on this by practicing with low-stakes feedback. Start small – “Hey, I noticed the kids’ snacks ran out faster than expected this week. Could you keep an eye on inventory and restock before we run completely out?” If they can handle that without drama, gradually work up to bigger feedback. If they can’t even handle minor gentle corrections, you’ve got a serious problem.
Think about whether the defensiveness is poisoning the whole relationship. If you’re walking on eggshells afraid to say anything and they’re constantly anxious about being criticized, nobody’s happy. That’s not sustainable.
Some people just cannot take feedback well. It’s a personality thing or an emotional regulation issue that’s not going to change. If you’ve tried different approaches, been patient, given them strategies and it’s still a disaster, you’re dealing with someone who lacks a basic professional skill. At that point decide if their other qualities are worth it or if you need someone who can actually grow based on feedback.
Also think about whether you want to spend all this energy coaching them on how to receive feedback like an adult, or if you’d rather just hire someone who already has that skill. Some employers are willing to invest in development. Others reasonably want professionals who don’t need this level of hand-holding.
Bottom line – you need a family assistant who can hear “this didn’t work well, let’s try it differently” without melting down, getting angry, or spending twenty minutes explaining why everything is someone else’s fault. That’s baseline professional behavior. If they can’t do it after you’ve been clear and given them chances to improve, they’re not ready for this role.
