Your partner keeps mentioning the nanny seems off with them. Kind of cold. You start paying attention and yeah, there’s definitely something there. When your partner gives instructions, the nanny pushes back or questions things that get immediate compliance when you say them. Every question comes to you even when your partner is literally standing right there.
It’s subtle enough that you might second-guess yourself at first. Maybe you’re reading too much into it. But your partner feels it, you’re seeing it, and now you can’t unsee the pattern. The nanny has picked a favorite parent and it’s creating this weird dynamic where one of you has authority and the other one kind of doesn’t.
This matters more than it might seem. Your kids are watching. When they see the nanny treating one parent like they don’t really count, it shapes how they view that parent’s authority too. Plus you end up with this unfair division where one parent manages all the nanny stuff not because that’s how you split responsibilities but because the nanny just decided they prefer dealing with one of you.
The reasons vary a lot. Sometimes it’s straight-up gender bias – the nanny has opinions about which parent should handle childcare and gets annoyed when the “wrong” one tries to manage them. Sometimes it’s personality – they just vibe better with one parent’s communication style or temperament. Sometimes it’s strategic – they’ve figured out one parent is easier to manipulate, so they’re warmer to the other parent who actually holds them accountable.
We see this constantly in Chicago families where both parents work demanding jobs but the nanny has strong feelings about traditional parental roles. Or they just clicked with one parent and never really bonded with the other. Whatever the reason, you can’t have household staff treating parents like they’re not equally in charge.
The conversation itself is awkward. Nobody wants to say “hey, you’re being kind of disrespectful to my partner.” But the alternative is letting it continue and watching your partner’s authority get slowly undermined in their own house. You need to name it directly – “we’ve both noticed you treat [partner] differently than me, here are the specific things we’re seeing, and we need that to change.”
Their reaction tells you a lot. Some nannies genuinely didn’t realize they were doing it and are horrified once it’s pointed out. Others get defensive or try to explain why one parent is just “easier to work with.” The defensive ones with explanations are revealing they know exactly what they’re doing and think it’s justified.
You have to be really clear that both parents have equal authority. Not almost equal. Not “well one of you is the primary parent so…” Equal. When either parent gives instructions, those instructions get followed with the same respect and cooperation. Questions can go to either parent. No playing favorites, no hierarchy based on who the nanny likes better.
At Seaside, we tell couples they need to actively demonstrate they’re a united front. If the nanny tries to go around your partner to get you to overrule them, you shut it down immediately. “That’s [partner’s] call, what did they say?” You back each other up consistently so the nanny can’t find cracks to exploit.
Sometimes your partner is contributing to the problem. If they’re really inconsistent or bad at setting boundaries or unclear in their communication, yeah, that makes them harder to work with. Doesn’t excuse the nanny being disrespectful, but it might explain some of the frustration. Both parents need to be clear and consistent for this to work.
There’s a difference between the nanny preferring one parent and the nanny disrespecting one parent. It’s normal to have better chemistry with some people. What’s not normal or acceptable is letting that preference turn into treating someone badly or undermining their authority. You can like working with one person more while still being professional and respectful with everyone.
Your kids are absorbing all of this. They notice when the nanny doesn’t respect one parent. They learn that they might be able to play you off each other by going to whoever the nanny favors. The nanny’s behavior is teaching them things about family power dynamics you definitely don’t want them learning.
If the nanny’s explanation reveals gender assumptions or cultural biases about parental roles, you deal with that head-on. “I understand some cultures see childcare as one parent’s domain. That’s not how we do things. We’re equal co-parents and we need staff who treat us equally. If that doesn’t work for you, this isn’t the right position.”
Some nannies course-correct immediately. They’re genuinely embarrassed, they didn’t realize how it was coming across, they fix it and it stays fixed. Others make an effort for a few days then gradually slip back because the underlying bias or preference is just too strong. You have to watch whether the change is real or temporary performance.
The bigger question is whether the less-respected parent even wants to keep fighting this battle. Some partners just tap out. They decide they’re not going to manage the nanny if every interaction is going to be contentious, which means the other parent absorbs everything. That can work short-term but it builds resentment and it’s not sustainable. Both parents should be able to interact with household staff without it being a constant struggle.
If you’ve had the conversation, been clear about expectations, and nothing actually changes long-term, you’re dealing with someone whose biases they either can’t overcome or aren’t willing to work on. At that point it’s a decision about whether keeping this particular nanny is worth the ongoing friction and the continuing undermining of one parent’s authority. Usually the answer is no.
Maybe there’s legitimate criticism your partner needs to hear – maybe they really are inconsistent or unclear or difficult to work with in ways that should be addressed. That’s feedback worth discussing. But even if your partner isn’t great at nanny management, that doesn’t give the nanny permission to be disrespectful. Those are two separate issues that need handling separately.
You need household staff who show both parents equal respect, who understand you’re both in charge, who don’t create division by playing favorites. That’s not some aspirational ideal – it’s baseline professional behavior. If your nanny can’t do it, you find someone who can.
