Your four-year-old hit their sibling, and your nanny’s response was to say “we don’t hit” and then immediately move on to the next activity. Your six-year-old refused to clean up their toys after multiple requests, and your nanny just cleaned them up herself rather than following through with the consequence you’ve established. Your kids are pushing boundaries constantly because they’ve learned that when you’re not home, nothing actually happens when they misbehave.
You’ve talked to your nanny about your household discipline approach. You’ve explained the consequences for specific behaviors. You’ve been clear that consistency matters. But somehow when you’re not there, consequences mysteriously evaporate and your kids are getting away with behavior that would absolutely result in timeouts, loss of privileges, or other responses when you’re managing them. Your nanny is nice, warm, engaging with your kids – and completely ineffective at actually enforcing boundaries.
The problem is that discipline avoidance doesn’t just let bad behavior continue – it actively teaches children that rules are optional and that different adults can be played against each other. Your kids are learning that they need to behave for you but not for the nanny. They’re learning that consequences are negotiable based on who’s in charge. And they’re learning that persistence in boundary-pushing eventually gets them what they want because the nanny will give in rather than follow through.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we see this pattern destroy otherwise good childcare arrangements in Seattle families. The nanny is sweet, the kids seem happy, but behavior gets progressively worse because there’s no real accountability during the day. Parents come home to chaos, spend their evenings correcting behavior that should have been addressed in the moment, and wonder why their kids are so much harder to manage than they used to be.
Start by making absolutely certain your discipline approach is clear and specific. “Use consequences” is too vague. “When kids hit, they get a four-minute timeout in the designated timeout spot, and the timeout doesn’t end until they’re calm. If they refuse timeout, screen time is lost for the day. When kids don’t clean up after two reminders, the toys that aren’t put away get removed for a week.” That’s specific enough that your nanny can implement it.
Write it down if you haven’t already. Create a simple guide to common misbehaviors and standard consequences. Keep it visible where your nanny can reference it. This eliminates any possibility that they’re not following through because they forgot or weren’t sure what to do. When expectations are documented, accountability becomes easier.
Talk to your nanny about why consequences aren’t happening. Sometimes you’ll discover they don’t believe in discipline approaches you use. Maybe they think timeouts are harmful or that natural consequences are better than imposed ones or that kids should never lose privileges. If their personal philosophy about child discipline is fundamentally incompatible with yours, that’s important information about whether they’re the right nanny for your family.
Other times you’ll discover they avoid consequences because they want kids to like them and saying no creates conflict. This is particularly common with nannies who prioritize being the fun, permissive caregiver over being the effective boundary-setter. Your nanny’s job isn’t to be your kids’ favorite person – it’s to care for them appropriately, which includes enforcing rules and implementing consequences when needed.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we tell families that effective discipline is a core competency for professional childcare. A nanny who can’t or won’t implement age-appropriate consequences for misbehavior isn’t providing good childcare, regardless of how warm and engaging they are the rest of the time. Following through with consequences is as important as feeding kids healthy meals or keeping them safe.
Some nannies avoid consequences because they’re conflict-avoidant by nature and the upset that comes with discipline feels emotionally difficult. Kids cry during timeouts. They protest when privileges are lost. They say mean things when they’re frustrated by boundaries. Your nanny needs to be able to handle that emotional discomfort without backing down from appropriate discipline.
Role-play if necessary. Walk through specific scenarios with your nanny. “Your child hits their sibling. What do you do?” Have them practice the exact words and actions. “I saw you hit your brother. We don’t hit in this family. You’re going to timeout for four minutes.” Then follow through even when the child cries or protests or says they hate timeout. Practice the follow-through because that’s where many nannies fail.
Be clear about the difference between creative problem-solving and avoiding consequences. It’s fine for your nanny to prevent misbehavior through proactive strategies – keeping kids engaged, redirecting before problems escalate, setting up environments for success. It’s not fine to avoid consequences when misbehavior actually happens by distracting kids or pretending it didn’t occur or negotiating away established rules.
Monitor whether consequences are actually happening. Ask your kids about their day. “Did you have any timeouts today? Did anything you were playing with get taken away?” Check with your nanny specifically about behavior and consequences. “I noticed the toys were all over when I got home. Did cleanup happen today or was that a struggle?” Their answer will tell you whether they’re following through or avoiding.
Document when consequences don’t happen and address patterns directly. “I’ve asked three times this week about behavior and consequences, and each time you’ve said there were no issues despite me coming home to evidence of misbehavior that wasn’t addressed. Either you’re not noticing the behavior or you’re not implementing consequences. Either way, this needs to change immediately.”
Consider whether your expectations are realistic. If you have extremely complex or rigid discipline systems, your nanny might struggle to implement them consistently in the chaos of managing multiple kids. Simpler, clearer consequences that can be implemented quickly and consistently are more likely to actually happen than elaborate systems that require perfect execution.
At Seaside Staffing Company, we’ve seen families successfully resolve this by having the nanny document misbehavior and consequences daily. A simple log – “2:15 PM – Sarah hit brother, four-minute timeout given and completed. 4:00 PM – Both kids refused cleanup after two reminders, toys removed until tomorrow.” This creates accountability and gives you visibility into whether discipline is happening.
Watch for whether the lack of consequences is making behavior worse over time. If your kids are becoming harder to manage, more defiant, less responsive to your own discipline attempts, the absence of consistent consequences during the day is probably contributing. Behavior that goes unaddressed doesn’t just continue – it typically escalates.
Give clear ultimatums if necessary. “Consistent discipline is essential for this role. I’ve explained our approach multiple times, and consequences still aren’t being implemented. Starting today, I expect you to follow through every single time according to the guidelines we’ve established. If I continue to see that consequences aren’t happening, we’re going to need to discuss whether this position is working out.”
Some nannies will improve dramatically once they understand that discipline follow-through is non-negotiable. Others will try for a few days and then slide back to avoiding consequences because it’s their default comfort zone. If your nanny can’t maintain consistent discipline after clear expectations and accountability, they’re not the right person for your family regardless of their other qualities.
The goal is a nanny who implements age-appropriate consequences consistently and calmly, who follows through even when kids are upset about it, and who understands that effective discipline is part of good childcare. That’s not asking too much – it’s basic professional competency. If your nanny can’t provide it, find someone who can.
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